It’s great to back again this week. Here’s a recap of all the big stories from the past week in the world of pro sports:
NFL – CRY ME A RIVER
Did you see Knowshon Moreno break down during the national anthem before the Broncos-Chiefs game? I think the only thing emptier than his tear ducts is Mike Tomlin’s wallet.
The Steelers head coach was fined $100,000 for “inadvertently” interfering with a Jacoby Jones kickoff return. After that kind of hefty punishment, looks like the only thing Mike Tomlin will “inadvertently” prevent is the Steelers from making the playoffs.
Tomlin has his share of supporters though. Nick Saban just asked him if he wouldn’t mind ruining opposing kick returns in Alabama’s next game.
Vernon Davis wants the league to instate a rule saying a defender cannot bring down another player by his junk. Seriously, who ever thought black guys would be complaining about their male parts bringing them down?
The Seattle Seahawks set a new world record for the loudest stadium when crowd noise reached 137.6 decibels. Just to give you an idea of how loud that is, take the audio from a sit-down interview with Prince and add 137.6 decibels.
Here’s how crazy a year it’s been in the NFL: with four games to go, none of the AFC teams have been eliminated from playoff contention. It’s a crowded picture – almost as crowded as the picture that features all of Mick Jagger’s illegitimate children.
NBA – WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND …
Carmelo Anthony commented that the Knicks are “the laughingstock of the NBA”. Nets coach Jason Kidd is currently writing a press release about how upset he is that his former team is taking all the credit.
During the Knicks-Nets game Thursday, there was lots of anger, obscenity-laced jabs at star players and cups of warm beer being thrown in all directions – and that was just in the Knicks pre-game huddle before coming out of the tunnel.
Honestly, the entire Eastern conference stinks right now. Only the Pacers and the Heat have winning records right now. In fact, most of the GMs in the conference are asking for one thing this holiday season – the ability to clone Andrew Wiggins.
Finally, some good news: The Washington Wizards have hit the .500 mark for the first time in over four years. Or, as most NBA players know it, five Kardashian sex tapes ago.
NHL – TAKE BACK THE NIGHT
Everyone’s excited for the upcoming HBO “24/7” series featuring the Red Wings and the Maple Leafs. In preparation for this high-profile TV event, I heard Randy Carlyle took swearing tips from Bruce Boudreau.
I’m not sure how exciting the Red Wings will be on HBO. People who pay for the channel are used to seeing nudity and high-stakes drama, not a bunch of aging Europeans taping ice packs to their bodies.
I’m most excited for the outdoor game they’ll have at Dodger Stadium between the Ducks and the Kings. Think about it: outdoor hockey in Southern California. The only thing that sounds weirder to a Canadian is Don Cherry’s indecipherable accent.
Alex Burrows is out indefinitely after he broke his jaw in a game this week. Am I wrong, or is the only person on the Canucks who shouldn’t have a functioning jaw John Tortorella?
The Rangers have signed goaltender Henrik Lundqvist to a seven-year extension that will make him the highest-paid goalie in the NHL. Or, as Glen Sather put in, “only the fifth-worst contract I ever signed a player to”.
MLB – TAKE IT FROM HERE
Jacoby Ellsbury has jumped ship and signed with the New York Yankees. The deal went through despite doctors flunking his physical due to his disturbing lack of testicles.
The Tigers also traded Doug Fister to Washington and have locked up Joe Nathan as their closer next year. GM Dave Dombrowski said his next big offseason move will be to install a permanent dessert table next to Miguel Cabrera on the first base line.
AND FINALLY …
Former president Bill Clinton reportedly called John Calipari this week to talk about Kentucky’s team. Calipari said he’s still trying to fill some holes in their roster; Clinton said he’s always eager to talk about holes that need to be filled.
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