Week 9 NFL Weekend Update: Elton Von Says Goodbye Orange Brick Road

NFL Week 9
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It’s been a wild week in the NFL and we aren’t even at Sunday yet. Week 9 marks the halfway point of the league’s first 18 week season. It’s mathematically possible for just about anything to happen, but as we’ve seen the league does not care about math, or feelings, or your fantasy team. It’s been a rough one. Our love for the game can never be diminished though, and we trudge on into what should be an action packed Sunday of football. Let’s get into it!

NFL Week 9 Update: “Elton” Von Miller Says Goodbye Orange Brick Road

Las Vegas Raiders v New York Giants

The Las Vegas Raiders sit at the top of the division despite constant adversity around them. Rich Bisacia has his team throwing haymakers and they’ve been undefeated as a result since he took over for the artist formerly known as Jon Gruden. Kenynan Drake will likely keep playing an important role in the Raiders offense even if Josh Jacons returns. The Giants are injury riddled and in lockdown currently so it looks like Daniel Jones must be the cloud in New York’s eye. They say the endzone is pretty, though I’ve never been there. Jones says it’s the best place that he’s ever seen.

Atlanta Falcons v New Orleans Saints

Famous Jameis and the New Orleans Saints have had a chip on their shoulder all year, but the loss of their starting QB could leave this team cooked. They might get a boost with the possible return of Taysom Hill who will hope to heat up in his return from the concussion he suffered in Week 5. The Falcons continue to make Cordarrelle Patterson a hip and Koo fashion trend despite teams around the league trying and failing for years.

Buffalo Bills v Jacksonville Jaguars

Marvin Jones could do better this week with James Robinson coming into this game with an injured heel. Both these players have come to a realization that they may be too good for the Jaguars. Trevor Lawrence continues to be one of the few composed pieces on the field for the Jaguars, despite the constant song and dance around him. He’ll be standing head in hand if he doesn’t “hide” the ball away from the Bills star safety Micah Hyde. Buffalo’s defense has been great and looks to come away from this one with an easy victory.

Cleveland Browns v Jacksonville Jaguars

Odell Beckham Sr. pulled a LaVar Ball and it looks like Beckham Jr. will be has seen his time in Cleveland come to an end. Myles Garrett has been tearing apart opposing quarterbacks with his vast array of tools. The only way for the Benglas QB to avoid him will be by Joe Burrow-ing himself into a hole. Cincinnati’s defensive coordinator, Lou Anarumo, has had his squad playing like they’re numero uno. Linebacker Logan Wilson has been playing like Wolverine, leading his team in tackles and interceptions.

New England Patriots v Carolina Panthers

Chuba Hubbard’s time as a featured back could run out this week if Carolina’s star running back, Christian McCaffrey, is able to make his return. He’s been dealing with various injuries since September. The New England Patriots were Kendrick “Bourne” to run and have proved that they’re tougher than the rest. They’ve been able to stay competitive even with their Glory Days behind them. The boss, Bill Belichick, has made a career out of leaving other teams fumbling around and dancing in the dark.

Denver Broncos v Dallas Cowboys

We didn’t know when or where Von Miller was going to land, but the Broncos decided where his future lies. It looks like this boy isn’t too old to be wearing the blues. So Goodbye Orange Brick Road. He’ll be going back to plowing quarterbacks in Los Angeles now. It’s likely that Bradley Chubb and the rest of the team are going to feel the loss of Miller hanging over their head for a while. Meanwhile the Dallas Cowboys sit at the top of the NFC East, but is that really that much of an accomplishment? They should get a boost with their QB, Dak Prescott, trending toward playing this weekend.

Minnesota Vikings v Baltimore Ravens

Last week Justin Jefferson saw that he is not endowed to an unalienable amount of targets each week after receiving a season low in their last game. They aren’t quite Tyler Conklin-ed out nor are they out of the Xavier “Woods” yet with a tough matchup in Baltimore. This game could go down to the wire. Both teams will be sure to turn on the theatrics in a matchup to prove who has the best shade of The Color Purple. Another color to look out for this week will be Marquise Brown, who’s currently tied for fourth in the league for receiving touchdowns.

Houston Texans v Miami Dolphins

The Miami Dolphins will go into this game with a full tank of Gas-kin in a much-needed home game. Whether it’s By-“ron” or by pass, they’re top corner, Jones, and the rest of the defense will do their best to put a stop to the Texans. Houston will have to give their compliments to the cook because Brandin Cooks has been playing well above the level of his teammates. Phillip Lindsay has found himself in the popular crowd of Texans running backs after surviving the trade deadline. The Texans may stop trying to make David Johnson a thing after he was nearly phased out of the offense last week.

Los Angeles Chargers v Philadelphia Eagles

Boston Scott had More Than a Feeling he would get more touches after the injury of Miles Sanders, and he did. Devonta Smith is hoping that this is the week he’ll put up display worthy numbers. He’s been solid so far but hasn’t been able to crack (the Liberty Bell) into the upper echelon. Last week Darius “Rucker” Slay said “I Only Wanna Be With You” to the Eagles on a fumble-return-touchdown-middle-finger to his ex-team. For Los Angeles, Austin Ékeler has been the icing on the cake of a fantastic offense, yet they find themselves on a two-game losing streak. Mike “and Ike” Williams comes in all sorts of flavors and last week’s was the one you give to your least favorite friend. Kyzir White and the rest of the Chargers defense will try to convince the Eagles into losing this game.

Green Bay Packers v Kansas City Chiefs

You’d think that people would’ve had enough of the Jordan Love draft pick, but I look around me and I see isn’t so (after the latest news). The NFL views Aaron Rodgers’ stance on whether he’s been vaccinated the same way a conspiracy theorist would the lunar landing: it never happened. Kansas City showed plenty of guts in a Derrick Gore-y display on Halloween and Patrick Mahomes was trying to be a little too cute, but the Chiefs were still able to eke out a win. We’ll have to wait and see if Travis Kelce can get back into the mix for this home matchup.

Arizona Cardinals v San Francisco 49es

James Con(man)ner has been playing Catch Me if You Can with opposing defenses and has been getting off scot-free. Kliff wants to Kings-bury the hatchet between these two division rivals, but Kyle Shanahan and his team are going to try to eat the Cardinals alive. George Kittle and the offense will have to use every tool in the bag in order to do so. Cardinals safety, Baker, will try to be the hot knife in “Budda” that their defense will need to stop the 9ers. The Trey Sermon this Sunday will be one full of excitement and intrigue with this being one of the best games of the week.

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