Just like the scientists who were able to land a mothertrucking space probe on a comet, it feels great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL
Weather experts are saying that the return of the Polar Vortex could already be having an adverse effect on NFL games. In other words, we finally have an explanation as to why the Chicago Bears have gone into hibernation much earlier than expected.
I don’t know how Marc Trestman is going to recover from the Bears’ blowout loss to Green Bay. Right now, his job security is right up there with one of Henry VIII’s wives.
In other football news, the Cleveland Browns are in sole possession of first place in the AFC North for the first time since 1995. Back then, the only things getting intercepted on a regular basis were Monica Lewinsky’s phone calls to Linda Tripp.
A dead rat was found in a press box at O.co Coliseum in Oakland. This could be the start of a new trend – normally, if you went there and wanted to see something roll over and die, all you have to do is watch the Raiders’ defense.
Buccaneers QB Josh McCown broke down and cried during the post-game press conference following his team’s loss to Atlanta. I haven’t seen a grown man break down that badly since Andy Dalton tried to play quarterback last Thursday night.
NCAAF
The MIT Engineers’ football team have clinched their NCAA first-ever playoff berth after starting this season 8-0. It’s the first time in the school’s history where the jocks have gotten laid way more than the nerds.
The restaurant chain Waffle House says it will give free waffles to the winning city of the upcoming Auburn-Georgia game. They would’ve given away the waffles before the game, but they didn’t want to risk of another Auburn choke-job.
NBA
The top two teams in the league thus far this season are the Grizzlies and the Raptors. Imagine if this were the Finals matchup? Canadian basketball fans would go totally off the rails celebrating – and by celebrating, I mean politely chatting about the game at an affordable family restaurant.
Kevin Love already considering opt-out on his contract and is reportedly eyeing the Lakers as a possible destination. Apparently he’ll take a lack of winter weather over a lack of wins or talent in the starting lineup any day of the week.
Kobe Bryant set the record this week for most missed shots in NBA history. That puts him in the company of other sports legends who own dubious statistical titles – like Cy Young with the most-ever losses for a starting pitcher, Stockton and Malone with the most-ever NBA regular season turnovers, and Brett Favre with the most intercepted dick pics in NFL history.
ESPN’s Chris Broussard is reporting that LeBron James won’t allow his sons to play football. He’ll only let them play soccer, baseball and basketball – in other words, any sport that doesn’t feature a 300-pound man in really tight pants.
NHL
The NHL is reportedly “very interested” in expanding to Las Vegas in the next two years. Of course, Vegas is famous for being a place where you can gamble away millions of dollars on something that will give you nothing in return – no wait, I’m thinking of the Maple Leafs’ strategy for signing defencemen.
I think Las Vegas would be a very attractive destination for free agents if they were to land an expansion team. Imagine being the guy having to choose to live in a place where there’s nothing but partying, cocaine and topless dancers … or Winnipeg.
GOLF
Rory McIlroy is in line to win $1.25 million in prize money despite having not played in nearly three weeks. That’s right, getting paid for doing nothing – or, as the Kardashian sisters put it, what I write in the “special skills” portion of my resume.
MLB
Chicago’s Wrigley Field is going a major overhaul before next season. Unfortunately, MLB officials are already investigating the team’s management for allegedly tampering with building supplies Tampa Bay was going to use for their stadium renovations.
POKER
Swede Marc Jacobson won this year’s World Series of Poker bracelet – and $10 million in prize money – after scoring trips 10s on the flop. It’s incredible to see that, even outside of soccer, Europeans players are flopping their way to a championship.
AND FINALLY …
In this week’s edition of “Videos You Should Definitely Watch No Matter What”, enjoy this rendition of the Star Spangled Banner by Pearl Jam great Mike McCready.
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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