Just like Barack Obama stepping out of a time machine and back into 2008, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines during the past seven days in the world of professional sports:
NFL SHOPLIFTING
According to a new Sports Illustrated poll, the Denver Broncos have surpassed the Dallas Cowboys as America’s favorite football team. Not to be outdone, in the same poll Roger Goodell was named America’s favorite redhead who definitely has no soul.
Cowboys’ running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting cologne and underwear. It wasn’t a wise move on Randle’s part – I mean, if the other inmates know you’re the guy who’s in there for lifting perfume and briefs, there’s no way you’re not becoming someone’s bitch.
In all seriousness, you have to show the Cowboys a little love. They improved to 5-1 on the season after beating the Seahawks in Seattle this past Sunday. Seriously, the last time I saw Jerry Jones this happy was when he had his Viagra prescription refilled.
Bengals cheerleader Alexa Brenneman is suing the team after claiming the team paid her nowhere near minimum wage. You see, this is why the NFL should have a female commissioner: they’d be getting paid a whole lot less to make a mockery of the league’s moral compass.
MLB SUCCESSES
Are you like me? Have the baseball playoffs been so exciting that you almost forgot to take a nap while watching them?
The Kansas City Royals are off to their first World Series since 1985. They’ve swept both their series’ heading into the Fall Classic, or as the 2007 Colorado Rockies put it, what could possibly go wrong?
This win means that Ned Yost is going to manage the AL All-Star team next year. In other words, he’ll be the first-ever manager to tell Miguel Cabrera that he’s not bunting enough.
Here’s a great story: Royals closer Brandon Finnegan gave a broke guy on Twitter two tickets to Wednesday night’s playoff game so he could do something special for his girlfriend. Imagine if everyone could just ask a celebrity for something online and get it instantly like that? If that were the case, Scarlett Johansson would’ve responded to my text with something other than “How did you get this number?”
NHL SECONDS
The new hockey season is off to a record-setting start – just yesterday, a rep for Florida Panthers just emailed me saying there’s a good chance fifty people will be at their next home game.
Avalanche center Daniel Briere scored a game-winner against the Boston Bruins this week with less than a second remaining in the game. It just goes to show you that every second counts, or at least that’s what I keep telling my girlfriend after she says, “Is that it?”
The Adirondack Flames, Calgary’s AHL affiliate, have decided to can their new mascot Scorch after a promotional video showed him killing a firefighter. You know it’s not going to work when the marketing department is calling it “something the whole family could enjoy having nightmares about together”.
NBA DREAM JOBS
Kevin Durant has been sidelined for 6-8 weeks after suffering a foot fracture. If the surgery and rehab go well, doctors are predicting that Durant will come back even stronger than LeBron’s hairline.
As an experiment, the NBA will have a preseason game that lasts 44 minutes instead of the usual 48. Well, that’s one way to crack down on the number of “accidental” Jason Kidd soda spills per game.
Dennis Rodman is now calling J.R. Smith “the new Dennis Rodman”. Upon hearing this, Phil Jackson immediately thought, “Great, now I have the perfect excuse to send him to North Korea indefinitely”.
Speaking of Phil Jackson, the Zen Master told the New Yorker that Spike Lee “knows nothing” about basketball. In response, Lee was like, “Sure, because the guy who called being the president of the Knicks a ‘dream job’ clearly knows everything about basketball”.
NCAA DISCIPLINE
Alabama tight end Kurt Freitag was busted with a reported quarter-pound of weed in his dorm room. The school hasn’t taken any disciplinary action yet – he’s just not allowed to schedule anymore lunches with Willie Nelson.
FSU is investigating whether or not Jameis Winston has received a sizeable sum of money for autographing privately-owned sports memorabilia. People are speculating what Winston would spend that kind of money on, but I’m guessing it definitely won’t be crab’s legs.
University of Tennessee track coach Beth Alford- Sullivan cut six women from her team just a month into the season. This just goes to show you that, in some people’s eyes, you can actually have too many volunteers.
University of Dayton kicker William Will managed to recover a fumble and score off his own kickoff. It’s a defining example of how’s Will Will’s will was able to will him into the end zone.
AND FINALLY …
In this week’s edition of Videos You Can Never Unsee, I present to you Obese Blue Jackets’ Fan in Slow Motion
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
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