The Fat & Skinny Post – Week 3 Picks
If you are a fan of the bottom of the NFL Food Chain (i.e. Browns, Jags, and Eagles…trending), please immediately scroll down to the bottom of this dribble and download this weeks PRAISE THE LARD recipe. I encourage you to eat yourself into a food coma by 1pm Sunday. Eat excessive amounts of pork fat, drink heavily (yet responsibly), throw things around the man-cave, and spend 3 hours staring at the NFL Channel Gameday Scoreboard.
Do not, I repeat – do not – watch a single down of pigskin this Sunday. At 7 pm check your self into your local hospital for a psychiatric evaluation!
Last week: 9-6 vs. spread, 11-4 straight up
A few picks:
Cards @ Saints -8
I hate to get serious for a minute, but Mark Ingram is on his last leg in NOLA and really has to go – Now! Great guy, a hard worker and great teammate, but I believe this marriage is now debilitating to the most powerful offence in the past 7 years. O-Line has not done Ingram any favors the past 2 years, but when it ain’t workin’ (for whatever reason), it ain’t workin’. Rumor has it that before the Browns traded Richardson, Mickey Loomis offered Ingram up to the Colts this week for a Twitter tutorial from Jim Irsay.
Coach Payton has gone way too far trying to make this fit. Pierre Thomas, one of the most underrated RB’s in football history, needs touches. Flat out, if Thomas gets most of the touches, it increases Saint’s productivity two-fold.
Payton called a horrid game last week (happens once a year), and a missed Bucs FG and a Brees poetic drive with no timeouts saved the day. Brees is due for a break-out game. Throwing for almost 700 yards but only 2 TD’S while relying on a revamped and underrated D, is not Payton/Brees football, but I’ll take it.
In Cards favor, Saints are anemic in the red zone, and Cards D is also very underrated. The gumbo will be cooking, second lines a-dancing, and the Abita Beer will be flowing. But I believe Cards D will keep this within one score in the end. Saints by 7
Browns @ Vikes -7
In a shocking development, the NFL’s worst dome explodes in celebration 10 minutes before kick-off as Michael Lombardi and the Browns trade for Christian Ponder. Browns fans go from crisis mode to using comedy as a coping mechanism. Browns fan get hugs in parking lots from the Viking World Order. Vikings instruct all Metrodome beer stands – in celebration of ridding themselves of Ponder, and simultaneously to pity the Dawgpound – to sell tallboys for 2.25. In the end, AP gets back on track with 185 and 2 TD’s. Vikes -10
Bills & Jets -1
I can’t believe the line on this game. A JETS team favored on Week 3 – after a National Enquirer summer is surreal. The Jets D, like the Bucs, are real (a bit of a shocker). It will keep EJ Manuel in check. But if this is truly-truly-truly a new dawning for the Bills, and last week was to be a gateway of “the new”, they must win going away. Lady luck and habitual clock mismanagement by Ron Rivera gave the “praying” Manuel a shot at glory last week. He delivered while all this being compounded by a brain fart by 2 DB’s.
Manuel average, Spiller and Action Jackson take charge. Kyle Williams – the most underrated lineman in the NFL, takes over for “Sometimes Super Mario” and has a huge game on the line. Bills by 3
Jags @ Seahawks -1,652
I figured this would be a great game to watch with my therapist…in a casino…on the strip…. in Vegas…with some party girls…. a questionable hooker…. 2 bookies…. and a celebrity doctor.
My prediction: 4 hours before game, JAGS team bus arrives at CARNIVALE stadium. Team, led by a sharp-dressed MJD exits the bus. He gathers everyone, except for coaches, and tells them he wants to talk with them before they head to the dressing room, and then leads them around the corner of the tunnel. And THAT’S THE LAST YOU SEE OF THEM.
Most of the Jaguars are found 4 hrs. later by a local TV crew, following MJD to a series of café’s in Seattle. And a few players head to the famous Fish Market for some team building exercises. They come out refreshed!
Vegas bookies, sitting with me in Vegas, draw their pistols and fire aimlessly at the ceiling of the casino as its announced that the Jags have forfeited the game, ergo by a score of 2-0.
Jags cover the spread! The one (1) guy in Vegas who was dumb enough to put a mortgage payment on the Jags “to cover” – an alcoholic shower curtain salesman on hallucinogens from Walla Walla who thought he was betting on a horse named “Jags” at Gulfstream Park – single-handedly bankrupts the casino. Jags cover, Seahawks by 2
Bears @ Steelers +2.5
The beer hawkers at Heinz Field have more mileage on their Nikes than the Steeler running game. And the Steelers are battered as battered comes. But did you hear Mike Tomlin this week? He is the consummate leader. I would follow that man into Syria. He’d have the local church choir ready to play. Although the Trestman love-in continues in Chicago – all sports pubs add “poutine” to their menus – Cutler has too many turnovers, and the Steelers find a way. Steelers by 4
Lions @ Redskins -2.5
If Mike Shanahan is as prepared an NFL coach as there is, why have the Skins been down 26-7 and 24-0 @ half in the first two weeks? RG Napoleon sucks “bad” right now. The read-option is dead with one gimpy knee. Just because it’s deemed “structurally sound”, and checked out by Dr. James Andrews Graham Bell Freud Gates Hawking, that means “JACK!”
Look, if things were going good with you and your wife after 10 years, and then she got drunk with the girls one night and admitted she had way to many shots, and messed around on you, its gonna take some time for things to get back to normal, right? You might still act as if things are normal, but you’ll be looking over your shoulder for quite sometime before you can fully trust her again. Redskin protests take over media coverage from RG Moses.
On the Lions front, they need Reggie Bush. Need’em, love’em, want’em! The entire dynamic changes without him. Redskin’s O-line are crapping their pants right now thinking of ways to block Lion’s front 4. Their goal is to get Suh ejected by the 2nd quarter. Should be easy. And because the Lions…. are the Lions, Redskins squeak one out. Skins by 1
“Praise The Lard” Recipe
Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger Footballs
Gridiron Chef “Doc”
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