Earlier this morning I heard that Alabama has passed the so-called Tim Tebow Bill. You’ll all be surprised to know that this bill has nothing to do with wanting to be a quarterback, but not actually being good at being a quarterback, but still being allowed to pretend you could be a quarterback. No, this bill allows homeschooled individuals to play sports at public schools. That’s less funny, but it got me thinking: what football-inspired bills could there be?
Tom Brady Bill
The Tom Brady bill prohibits balls being inflated above, like 3.5 PSIs. Seriously, deflate that thing so much that it feels like you’re throwing around an empty bag of organs.
I’ve just let myself down with that very obvious joke.
Jameis Winston Bill
Never take personal responsibility for anything, ever, except if it’s an NCAA violation. In that case, sort-of take responsibility for it and then renege once you’re in the safe confines of the NFL. See also: Pete Carroll Bill.
Jim Harbaugh Bill
From its inception, the United States has guaranteed a set of unalienable rights. One of those is free speech. The Jim Harbaugh Bill protects you from all of that nonsense. This bill actually limits your speech, particularly with regards to the media. See also: Marshawn Lynch Bill.
Ray Lewis Bill
This bill entitles you to commit at least one unscrupulous act without punishment. Additionally, you’ll be commended, nay celebrated, as one of the best at your job in spite of that. Section 2B of the Ray Lewis Bill entitles you to wear ridiculous hats upon retirement. Section 3F allows you to act morally superior to others, and to give angry humans, who yet haven’t committed murder, advice on how to be less angry. It’s not hypocrisy; it’s the Ray Lewis Bill.
Roger Goodell Bill
Lucky you! The Goodell Bill gives you the income of more than half of the workers in the United States combined for doing… what? Pissing people off? No one is quite sure. Under the Goodell Bill, you are guaranteed an approval rating slightly higher than Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin. Your wealth and status gives you the opportunity to make an impact, yet you completely squander this by taking a stand on things like deflated footballs and extra points, and yet minimally punish incidents concerning domestic violence and anything meaningful.
Notre Dame Football Bill
This bill gives you license to act you’re on The Real World, Cops, Law and Order: SVU, World’s Dumbest, and True Life: I Cheated On a Test, at any given moment. This is a pretty terrible bill, and we should repeal it immediately.
Skip Bayless Bill
This revolutionary bill allows you to be unequivocally, unabashedly, and eternally wrong, yet remain employed. Good for you.
Lane Kiffin Bill
Similar to the Skip Bayless Bill, this legislative masterpiece ensures that you will be given extravagant, undeserved promotions for bafflingly shoddy efforts. Almost everyone you know has turned on you, yet somehow the more you fail, the higher you rise.
Tell me, what are your ideas for NCAA and NFL football bills. I’ll retweet my favorites.
