Ladies and gentlemen, it’s great to be back this week, albeit only in spirit. I’m in the middle of extended trip abroad to help me recover from a serious accident: betting the house on the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl. That being said, I’m very pleased to introduce my guest columnist this week with Fish On Sports, Ryan George. He’s a hilarious comedian from Montreal and also smells vaguely of avocado. Please give him a warm welcome and a follow on Twitter @TheRyanGeorge. Have a great weekend everyone, and I’ll see you all next week!
NFL Super Bowl Aftermath
Well the Patriots won the Super Bowl after a horrible last minute pass play by the opposing team. Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll was supposed to phone us for an interview this morning to comment, but we assume he made the wrong call.
A Madden 15 simulation game run by EA Sports predicted the exact outcome of the Super Bowl a week before it took place. I hope that this is the last time an EA game predicts the future, because my “Sims” character died this morning when the ladder was removed from his swimming pool.
Chris Pratt is making good on his Super Bowl bet with Chris Evans, and will be visiting the Christopher’s Haven charity dressed as his character Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy. Although if he really wanted to help someone in need of comforting, he would go hug Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson.
Veteran Rapper Missy Elliot made a special appearance during the Super Bowl halftime show, performing her classic songs “Work It” and “Lose Control”- the latter of which the Seahawks decided to take literally.
Approximately 111.5 million people tuned into Super Bowl XLIX, making it the most watched television program in history. It also broke the record for most people simultaneously crying in front of their TVs when that depressing Nationwide commercial came on.
After being named the MVP of the year, Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers was seen sharing a tender moment with his girlfriend Olivia Munn at the ceremony- officially solidifying his position as the man with THE BEST LIFE EVER.
Colts linebacker D’Qwell Jackson was arrested this week after punching a pizza delivery man in the head. Luckily for the pizza guy, the ambulance took more than 30 minutes to arrive so his treatment was free.
Green Bay’s Letroy Guoin was arrested after police found 190,000 dollars in cash and nearly a pound of marijuana inside a bag in his truck. This marks the first known occurrence of a Green Bay Packer packing packs and stacks of green in a backpack.
NHL
PK Subban of the Montreal Canadiens was fined two thousand dollars for diving and embellishing during a game. “Taking such a huge chunk of his salary will really teach him to not repeat this kind of behaviour,” said someone who doesn’t understand math.
New York Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist was unable to play this week after being hit in the throat with a puck during a game against Carolina. We reached out to Lundqvist to get his take on the situation, but he was unable to comment.
UFC
MMA fighter Anderson Silva tested positive for steroids; the second time in the past month that deflated balls have made the news.
In related news, it was revealed through a post-fight drug test that fighter Nick Diaz had twice the allowed amount of marijuana in his system during UFC 183. Although that should have been pretty obvious when Diaz requested Doritos instead of water between rounds.
GOLF
It was reported that Tiger Woods may still owe upwards of $50 million to his ex-wife Elin Nordegren. When reached for comment, Tiger asked: “She was the blond one, right?”
MLB
Los Angeles Dodgers right-hander Joel Peralta was detained for six hours at Miami International Airport for having the wrong visa. Peralta was eventually released, but sadly not before the officer in charge of cavity searches got to third base.
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