Last week, several animals were added to the endangered species list. Among them were the geometric tortoise, the kissing loach, the white headed vulture, and Indianapolis Colts quarterbacks.
Already few in number, Colts quarterbacks were added to the endangered list this year when three quarterbacks on the active roster, Andrew Luck, Matt Hasselbeck, and Charlie Whitehurst, perished due to terrible injuries caused by NFL defenses. An insufficient and completely useless offensive line hastened the decline.
Colts Quarterbacks Added to Endangered Species List
Like the geometric tortoise, Colts quarterbacks are not only considered endangered, but ‘critically endangered’ due to the number of remaining Colts quarterbacks and the sudden attrition between the months of October and December. There is legitimate fear that, unless something changes, Colts quarterbacks will be extinct by this time next year.
At present, the count of Colts quarterbacks stands at three: Josh Freeman, a former Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback and minor league football player; Stephen Morris, who went to school at Miami, but hasn’t taken a snap in the NFL; and Ryan Lindley. I know. I have no idea who that is either. The situation is truly dire.
At a recent press conference, Colts Owner Jim Irsay issued a statement:
“The Indianapolis Colts organization is deeply troubled that Colts quarterbacks have been added to the endangered species list. Rest assured that we are actively working with the World Wildlife Federation to ensure that they don’t become extinct. That said, we still won’t be drafting an offensive line in April. No. As usual, I plan to draft a half dozen wide receivers and maybe two kickers.”
When asked what the Colts are doing to prevent almost-certain extinction, Irsay responded, “Well, there are some controlled mating efforts taking place in the Washington, DC zoo. We have obtained sperm from Peyton Manning, Jim Harbaugh, and Johnny Unitas. We hope this will boost the population of Colts quarterbacks.”
Head coach Chuck Pagano was asked if he thought that acquiring through free agency, or drafting and developing an offensive line would be a more sustainable solution to the Colts quarterback issue. Pagano responded saying that he didn’t think the NFL allowed teams to trade for or draft offensive line players. “I think the Commissioner told us that we couldn’t do it. For football reasons,” he said.
Irsay piped in, “Don’t worry, Chuck, you won’t be here in April for the draft. In fact, you won’t be here on Tuesday.”
Josh Freeman was asked if he was nervous about playing quarterback for the Colts, given the situation. “Well, I did play minor league football, so I spent a lot of time inside minor league baseball parks, and I just assume that every snap will be like taking an at-bat without shin guards, elbow pads, a cup, or a helmet. Except I’ll do it, like, fifty times in a game. Oh sh*t, is it too late to back out of this?” At that point, Irsay captured Freeman in a burlap sack and chained him to the goalpost at Lucas Oil Stadium, determined not to let him get away.
Stephen Morris wasn’t asked any questions since he has as much NFL experience as me, making anything he said useless and invalid. Ryan Lindley would have been given the same treatment if he hadn’t been mistaken for a gate crashing fan boy and refused entry into the press conference. Director of Security Warren Dixon later apologized for the security faux pas. “I apologize to Ryan…. What’s his name again? Oh yeah, Lindley. I apologize to Ryan Lindley for all of the confusion prior to the press conference. In the future, I promise to keep my guys more apprised of any random San Diego State quarterbacks signed by the Colts organization.”
Irsay ended the press conference with one final comment: “I know this isn’t going to be popular, but I kind of hope we don’t make the playoffs. We only have three quarterbacks available, and that affords us less than one catastrophic injury per quarter! I honestly don’t think that’ll be enough. I think we need to rest up for next season and wait and see if those baby Manning, Harbaugh, and Unitas babies come through for us.”
* I think this goes without saying, but this article is intended to be satirical and tongue-in-cheek, sort of like the Stanford Band. Well, except for my comments about the Colts offensive line; those are 100% true, Jim Irsay.