There are definite positives about being a football fan in the CONCACAF region.
There is always the uncertainty of not being able to watch your team’s World Cup qualifiers anywhere (see Canada), the joy of visiting countries like Grenada and playing the beautiful game on a terrible pitch in a cricket stadium (ask Haiti), and of course, the friendlies which bring CONCACAF nations back down to earth (i.e. Klinsmann’s USA).
On the night of September 8th, 2015, we reached ‘peak’ CONCACAF. Never before had we seen the flaws of the North and Central American region’s football compound so spectacularly across such a number of games. Let’s revisit them, one by one:
- Haiti 3, Grenada 0.
Grenada only got to the third round of 2018 World Cup qualifying by (narrowly) defeating what is essentially the 51st U.S. state in Puerto Rico, so it’s no surprise that global powerhouse Haiti (insert sarcasm) blasted them 6-1 over the course of two legs. What is surprising is that the Haitians managed to score three goals in the first leg in Grenada on a pitch that mirrored the surface of a New York City hobo’s five o’clock shadow. Tuesday’s second leg was just another opportunity for the Haitians, led by wonderkid Duckens Nazon, to show how much better they are than the part-timers from Grenada.
- Aruba 2, St. Vincent-&-the-Grenadines 1
While an unspectacular fixture between two minnows on the surface, youngster Tevin Slater’s 84th-minute goal for the Grenadiers was enough to push them through 3-2 on aggregate. SV&G have been rewarded for their persistence late in Tuesday’s match in Aruba with a Fourth Round group that features the powerhouse U.S., a resurgent Trinidad-&-Tobago, and a Guatemala which is mired in a federal election as ugly as its national side’s recent form. Some reward.
- Belize 1, Canada 1
In a country of 36-million people – Canada – it was apparently too difficult to televise a World Cup qualifier on one of the nation’s eleven sports channels. Regardless, Canadian fans were rewarded for their perseverance in the search for a web stream by Belizean commentators Mad Bull and Maestro, the very energetic and very Caribbean hosts of the nation’s Channel 5 footy broadcasts. The dynamic duo’s random assigning of nicknames to Canadian players was awesome (Nikolas ‘The Assassin’ Ledgerwood), and by far the most entertaining element of a rather boring match. Canada possessed the ball, and got the draw it needed against an inferior opponent. With Mexico, Honduras, and El Salvador awaiting them in the next round, Les Rouges will be hard-pressed to advance to the Hex.
- Nicaragua 0, Jamaica 2
This match really was the best of the best in CONCACAF. Winnie Schafer’s Reggae Boyz went full track-meet against the Nicaraguans, whose average height appeared to be around 5’5. After a shock Nicaragua win in Kingston in the first leg, the Jamaicans had it all to do in the second leg in Managua – and they did it. In a cinder-block stadium packed to the brim with patriotic Nicaraguans, the Reggae Boyz were just too much physically for the hosts to fend off for ninety minutes. In true CONCACAF fashion, Jamaica celebrated its 89th-minute winner by sparking a brawl and having a player sent off immediately after. At least we’ll get to see Winnie Schafer’s beautiful hair in the Jamaican dugout for another round of qualifiers.
- El Salvador 1, Curacao 0
If you needed an indicator of just how terrible El Salvador really is at its own national sport, just contemplate for a second the fact that they limped past an island nation with 1/40th of its population by a 2-0 score on aggregate. Not to mention, Curacao’s national sport is baseball. Whatever, El Salvador is going to get pumped alongside Canada in Group A by Mexico and Honduras. This was probably the most CONCACAF-ey tie based on the sheer lack of quality football display. I don’t think either side broke three consecutive passes on the night.
- Guatemala 2, Antigua-&-Barbuda 0
The scoreline doesn’t really do it justice: Guatemala needed a win and delivered at home, outshooting the amateurs from A&B 27-3 en route to as dominant two-nil win as you’ll see anywhere. Still, the fact that Guatemala entered last night’s second leg down 1-0 after a loss in Antigua shows how far the once-proud Azul y Blanco have fallen. Entering Tuesday’s match, Guatemala sat at 98 in the FIFA World Rankings, just seven spots above Antigua at 105. It wasn’t that long ago that the Azul y Blanco sat in the top fifty and threatened seriously to make a World Cup appearance. Their Fourth Round group is hardly one of ‘death’, and if they can recapture some of their former glory, they should be good for a spot in the final round ‘Hex’.
Lastly, the United States national team was absolutely blasted, 4-1, in a friendly on home soil by Brazil. Manager Jurgen Klinsmann’s head is being called for, just over a year since he led the United States to one of its most exciting World Cup campaigns in recent memory.
Sigh. Bloated expectations and a lack of understanding that friendlies are for tinkering has led to a large portion of the American support baying for his firing. At the end of the day, Tuesday’s match was still the United States – a borderline top-8 team last summer in Brazil – against a Selecao side that was one of the top two teams in the world at the same tournament. There was a gap between the two last summer, it still exists, and no amount of excessive, 24/7 coverage of the MLS or the U.S. men’s national team can make up for the fact that the football culture in Europe, let alone Brazil, is still lightyears ahead of North America’s. As such, it’s unrealistic to expect the U.S. men’s national team to get consistent results against the likes of Brazil, Germany, etc.
CONCACAF is still CONCACAF. Mexico, when on its game, is a Top-12 team in the world. The United States, when on its game, is similar. But pretending that either is a legitimate threat to win anything outside of the region is just a hopeless pipe dream at this point in time, as evidenced by the US’s dismantling at the hands of Brazil.
Indeed, it was another wild night around one of the most unpredictable confederations in world football. Nicaragua’s legendarily awful attempts at time wasting came back to bite them in their qualifying behinds in the form of Simon Dawkins’s 89th-minute winner for Jamaica. In Belmopan, a pair of Belizean broadcasters started trending in a faraway polar nation called Canada, where the national team’s World Cup qualifiers don’t merit a spot on television channels or web streams of any kind. Most importantly, a group of largely foreign players is helping to rebuild Haiti’s sense of national identity with regular thumpings of lesser opposition.
This is CONCACAF. On any given night, anything can happen: bizarre officiating, blatant match fixing, rabid support, and an exciting brand of footy often play out in less than glorious surroundings, making for exciting, exotic, and above all, unique football.
May the fourth round of Russia 2018’s CONCACAF qualifying be as awkward, questionable, and occasionally eyebrow-raising as the third.