Mr. Articulate: Sepp Blatter (Parody)

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Not even MacGyver, armed with a Swiss Army knife and duct tape, could fix FIFA’s problems. With a reputation now resembling motel bed sheets, soiled and highly contaminated, Sepp Blatter did very little to endear himself to football fans around the world. An eloquent soul, let’s take a look at some of the finest quotes ever to be uttered by the frumpy little man.

1) After winning a fifth term as head of Fifa, albeit for the briefest of periods, the 79-year-old announced: “I am the president now, the president of everybody.” Then, for some inexplicable reason, he decided to drop the hook from “I Am a God,” the Kanye West track:
“I am a god
So hurry up with my damn massage
In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn croissants
I am a god
I am a god
I am a god

2) That was far from Sepp’s most controversial moment. When asked about helping to increase the popularity of women’s football, he replied:
“Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Men’s volleyball does nothing for me, but there’s something artistic about women’s volleyball. It really gets my juices flowing. Better marketing, you say. Rubbish! What do I want for Christmas? Tighter shorts, please.” .

3) When asked about a match-fixing scandal in 2006:
Interviewer for La Gazzetta dello Sport: “What are your thoughts on the latest scandal, Mr.Blatter?”
Sepp: “Match-fixing in Africa, that’s to be expected, but not in Italy.”
Interviewer: “But Italy is home to the Mafia.”
Sepp: “Is it?”

4) When asked to give advice to gay fans travelling to Qatar in 2022, where homosexuality is strictly forbidden: “Gay fans, listen up. When you get to Qatar, please, control yourselves. When you get the urge to fornicate, go for a walk, pick up a book, just don’t succumb to your deepest desires.”

5) 2013: Commenting on Lydia Nsekera, the first woman to be elected to Fifa’s executive committee: “This is a great day for women. I’ll ask Ms, Nsekera where she stands on the whole tighter shorts issue.”

6) In an interview with BBC in May of this year.
Interviewer: “Why must you always make controversial comments about women’s football?”
Sepp: “Excuse me, I am the godfather of women’s football. I am a mix of Hugh Heffner and Brando. I am a god.”

7) In an interview with Swiss newspaper NZZ one week before he was re-elected for a fifth term:
Interviewer: “You are almost 80, what is the key to longevity?”
Sepp: ‘I am a mountain goat’
Interviewer: ” But a typical mountain goat only lives for 12 or 13 years. You are nearly 80.
Sepp: “I am a mountain goat. Baa! Baa! Baa!”

There you have it, folks. The man might be the human equivalent of Ebola, but he is an interesting character.