Mario Balotelli is staying, the four words no Liverpool fan ever wanted to hear.
According to the striker’s agent, Mino Ravioli, the 24-year-old will ‘definitely’ be at Anfield next season. Commenting on the situation, Jamie Carragher, the legendary ex defender, said: “Mario, with four goals in 26 appearances, is about the only striker in England that makes Carlton Cole look decent. Would I like to see the back of him? Does Pope Francis pray?”
Mario staying, Sterling straying, Rodgers praying (Parody)
Butting in, friend and fellow Sky Sports pundit, Gary Neville sarcastically added: “Balotelli cost £16m, I hope Brendan still has the receipt. The club could have signed two Graziano Pellè’s for that price.”
Adding to the misery, Raheem Sterling’s agent Aidy Ward has said that the Liverpool starlet will ” definitely not sign a new deal” at Anfield. “A 6-1 hammering at the hands of Stoke, Balotelli staying, retaining the services of the Toure brother no club wants, Kolo, this club is the Titanic, and Raheem has no option but to jump into a lifeboat. Well, actually, it’s more like a speedboat, my boy is destined for great riches.”
Like the waistlines of many Americans, the worries of Brendan Rodgers are increasing rapidly, and with sport newspaper Marca claiming the Reds have contacted Carlo Ancelotti, a cloud of despondency seems to hang over his head.
AC Milan and West Ham are also eager to snap up the Italian and his trademark eyebrows. With Rafa Benitez saying he would “rather move to Syria” than manage Liverpool (again) or West Ham, naturally, Ancelotti is a very desirable target.
The former AC Milan great, who was recently sacked by Real Madrid, is a huge fan of the Reds. When asked about the possible vacancy, Ancelotti said: “I’ve followed Liverpool since 1984 after facing them with Roma in the European Cup Final, when we lost on penalties. They were an awesome outfit, were being the operative word.
The Liverpudlian accent is horrendous, but they sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” beautifully.”
According to The Daily Mail, Rodgers, readying himself for a meeting with Fenway Sports Group president Mike Gordon in the coming weeks, has launched a bid for Christian Benteke. Offering £28m, Rickie Lambert, Joe Allen, Fabio Borini and his Rolex GMT, worth close to £420,000, Rodgers is intent on getting his man. An irate Tim Sherwood responded by saying: “The Belgian powerhouse is our powerhouse, a powerhouse with two years left on his contract at Aston Villa. I don’t care if it’s the most expensive watch that comes directly from Rolex. Yes, the hands are luminous, the bracelet is made of white gold weighing 18 carats and the self-winding, automatic watch can go down to 100 meters of water resistance. But I’ve got my G-Shock, thank you very much.”
LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND – DECEMBER 12: (THE SUN OUT, THE SUN ON SUNDAY OUT) Mario Balotelli of Liverpool during a training session at Melwood Training Ground on December 12, 2014 in Liverpool, England. (Photo by Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images)