Brendan Rodgers: The Master of Mumbo-Jumbo (Parody)

When it comes to explanations, nobody beats around the bush like Brendan Rodgers. This is a man rearranging deck chairs as the Titanic sinks.

Referring to the recent 6-1 thrashing by Stoke, the Liverpool boss said: “Honestly, this defeat hurts me more than the decision to sign Balotelli, and that is saying something.”
Unfortunately, the man from Northern Ireland only managed to avoid the use of psychobabble jargon for twenty seconds. Loosening his tie, Rodgers decided to quite literally call a spade a spade: “Sometimes, as football fans know only too well, honesty is the best policy. There’s no point calling a spade a hammer. Liverpool fans are too smart, they know a tool with a sharp-edged, typically rectangular, metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth when they see one.”

After Gerrard’s final match ended in utter humiliation, Rodgers accepted his future is uncertain. “Stevie’s a great man, he will be missed. At least he grabbed a goal. Also, he didn’t slip, not once, and that’s always a positive,” stated the 42-year-old.

When asked about his future, the Zumba enthusiast replied: “I’ve always said if the owners want me to go, then I’ll go. I don’t know where, maybe back to school.”

After a reporter informed him that this was the first time in 53 years the Reds had conceded six goals in the league, a dejected looking Rodgers reverted back to nonsensical gibberish: “What can I say, football is a mysterious lover. Sometimes, in the words of Nazareth, ‘love hurts'”

To add to Liverpool’s misery, rather pathetically, the club must also now go through two qualifying rounds if they are to feature in the group stage of next season’s Europa League. “This competition, let’s be honest, it’s like the ugly kid in the attic. On the other hand, the Champions League is the jock, popular and loved. Now, please move, I’m off to the pub.” added Rodgers, who, with huge help from Luis Suarez, guided the Reds to second place last season.