Editor’s Note: If the word “parody” in the title didn’t alert you… this is not a true story, but rather a satirical work of fiction based extremely loosely on current events. It should not be taken seriously by anyone.
Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ at full volume, over-the-top displays of bromance, playful pillow fights – just a regular night for FIFA officials. However, the party atmosphere was rudely interrupted when six football officials were arrested over corruption charges, at a strip club in Zurich, Switzerland, early Wednesday morning.
FIFA: From Money and Power to a Prison Shower (Parody)
The suspects, reportedly accepting bribes worth about $100m over two decades, have been detained pending extradition to the US. If found guilty, rather worryingly for the six officials, they face up to 20 years in United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility, situated in Florence, Colorado. Referred to as “Hell on Earth” by current inmates, this penitentiary is a prime example of the USA’s Supermax facility obsession. Initially, much to the dismay of many American taxpayers, designers wanted to decorate the prison with furniture from Urban Outfitters, however, they eventually opted to go with good old cement. Everything – and I mean everything – in the cell is made out of cement, even the bed. Commenting on the arrests, Pelé, the spokesman for erectile dysfunction, said; “Laser beams, vicious dogs and pressure pads surround the area between the 12-foot fence and the hideous facility. 99% of the 500+ inmates spend 23 hours a day locked in solitary confinement, I hope the officials are prepared for a rough time, quite literally.”
FIFA members are preparing themselves for their annual meeting on May 29th, where Danny DeVito double, Sepp Blatter, is seeking a fifth term as president. The New York Times says plain-clothed police officers stormed the club, where the officials were partying, and rounded them up like sheep. According to the newspaper, although Mr Blatter was not wanted by the police, he ran to the bathroom, climbed out a window, before hopping on his moped and sped away.
Jeffrey Webb, nicknamed The Spider, the president of CONCACAF and FIFA vice president, was one of the six arrested.
Other officials escorted by police from the club include: Eduardo Li, a Costa Rican and FIFA’s leading party planner, Eugenio Figueredo of Uruguay, the president of South American football governing body CONMEBOL, and Brazil’s José Maria Marin, a member of FIFA’s aptly named Shady Dealings committee.
“We’re struck by the blatant disregard shown by the FIFA representatives,” said a law enforcement official. “It seems like this corruption was institutionalised, but you know what else is institutionalised… tough love in prison, those boys better not drop the soap.”