Editors Note: The Picture above is real, and it was reported by NBC 4 in New York, that Nassau Coliseum could host Game 8 of the Islanders First round series. The article below is our satirical take on this headline.
New York Station Reporting NHL Switching to Best-of-9; Jets Fans Euphoric
The National Hockey League made an unexpected and shocking decision on Sunday morning, just one day after the Calgary Flames eliminated the Vancouver Canucks and the Chicago Blackhawks knocked off the Nashville Predators, by changing the best-of-7 playoff format to a best-of-9. This decision has stunned hockey experts and fans all around the world, however one NBC affiliate seems to have been on the inside, discovering that Naussau Coliseum could stay open for game 8, if the New York Islanders and Washington Capitals made it that far.
New York NBC affiliate: “Nassau Coliseum could stay open for Game 8” http://t.co/LjyhPBLmWu
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) April 26, 2015
The decision has gave new life to Canucks, Penguins and Predators fans, but none are more excited than the fanbase of the Winnipeg Jets. Just one day after being hit with a snow storm in April, Winnipeg natives were shovelling the snow off their cars and finishing their wafer pies but now the Stanley Cup fever is back and stronger than ever.
One Jets fan had this to say, “Are you kidding me!? This is amazing!” he shouted. “I had tickets to Lisa Lampanelli in May, but screw that! GO JETS!” Another fan screamed in ecstasy, covering himself in white paint and placing on his Ondrej Pavelec jersey, before the mail carrier tossed him his newspaper and snuck it through his legs and into the doorway.
In Vancouver, one news reporter described the pandemonium in the streets as similar to the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals riot. “It’s just chaos here. Cars have been turned, people are running naked in the street and a young Asian male wearing glasses has been screeching constantly and wielding a hockey stick.” While no sighting of a Godzilla-sized Zdeno Chara that shoots laser beams out of his eyes has been reported, there have still been some reports of minor injuries, including a case of second-degree burns caused by the heat of severe Flames.
While it’s gotten crazy in Canada, Nashville has seemed relatively quiet. One passerby became confused when asked about the change, stating “Change? Hasn’t it always been best-of-9?”
While Peter Laviolette, Paul Maurice and Willie Desjardins prepare their teams for the upcoming week, the players have also weighed in on the matter. Jiri Hudler seems enthusiastic, appearing unaffected by the decision, while Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews‘ face showed little emotion. “I’m not worried about playing a few more games. We can handle this.” There was banging from the room behind Toews, which was held shut by the captain. Only a few explicit words were heard from the other side, with reports being it was Patrick Kane who was on the other side.
Of all those who were upset, Corey Perry seems to be outraged the most. “All this does is give Jets fans another chance at calling me Katy Perry.” When explained to him that the next game would be in Anaheim, Perry smiled and said, “Okay, we’re good then.”
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was asked about the best-of-9 format change, but responded with what sounded to be a stack of dollar bills being shuffled and slot machine bells going off in the background. Witnesses state that he seemed off, showing tattoos with an NHL logo all over his body, one of a Stanley Cup on his chest and Pittsburgh written in italics on his forehead. He then vanished in a cloud of purple smoke and casino tokens.
Deputy Commissioner and chief legal officer Bill Daly was on-hand, but seemed incoherent with his response. “You know what’s a REAL number? Four in six! FOUR IN SIX!” Daly then reportedly ran off, visibly holding a stack of Edmonton Oilers golden flash cards and a Connor McDavid jersey tucked underneath his blazer.
