With the rise of Paul Heyman as an advocate for superstars like Brock Lesnar and CM Punk, it isn’t hard to see why many fans consider him to be the best manager of the modern age. In fact, his skills have become so respected in the pro wrestling fan community that some even believe he’s the best manager of all time, even besting the man previously thought to have held that title: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.
It is an intriguing question, but not the one I’m interested in answering. I want to know who would win in a fight between these two great managers. Of course, if we were to have Heyman and Heenan square off in a one on one encounter, I think it’s a no brainer that Heenan would easily best Heyman. Although he never fared well against many superstars, Bobby was at least a trained wrestler and could take a beating. Heyman struggled in bouts against other untrained managers and ended up brutalized in contests against former charges like CM Punk.
Instead, we’re going to have these two masterminds of managing square off in a battle of wits where we put their managerial skills against one another. Both men are famous for managing a successful group of wrestlers – Heenan had the Heenan Family while Heyman had the Dangerous Alliance. What would happen if these two groups faced off against one another with their respective managers to guide them? That is the question we look to answer today.
With it being Survivor Series season, let’s make things interesting and have this match be a war of attrition. This Fight of Fancy will be contested in a traditional five on five Survivor Series Elimination Tag Match. Now that we have the rules for our game, let’s meet the players.
The Heenan Family
Andre The Giant – Figuratively and Literally Bobby Heenan’s biggest client, the 8th Wonder of the World was always Heenan’s most powerful weapon. No one could match the stature of Andre and his status as an immovable force is a huge advantage to the Heenan Family.
Mr. Perfect – Considered one of the best pure wrestlers in professional wrestling history, Mr. Perfect had unmatched skills in the ring, so much so that everything he did was absolute perfection. He has to be considered Heenan’s ace in the hole.
Haku – One of Heenan’s most loyal family members, Haku has stuck with Bobby through thick and thin and is considered by many to be the toughest professional wrestler to ever walk the face of the earth. That’s an incredible combination and his importance to the match cannot be understated.
The Barbarian – Speaking of tough, The Barbarian is no slouch either. A 300 pound man who can clothesline you from the top rope is not a threat to be taken lightly, and the Barbarian knows a thing or two about tag team wrestling, as he has history as a member of both the Powers of Pain and the Faces of Fear with Haku (Meng).
Tully Blanchard – Although not always the most reliable member of the Heenan Family, the importance of Tully Blanchard to the team cannot be understated. A man who knows how to succeed as part of a unit or on his own, Blanchard may be one of the best well rounded members of the Heenan Family ever, and considering the list of names that make up the Heenan Family, that’s a man you want on your team!
The Dangerous Alliance
Steve Austin – One of the first Paul Heyman guys, Steve Austin went from being a very good wrestler, to a bonafide superstar under the guidance of Paul E. Dangerously. A man who would go on to become one of the biggest box office draws in the history of professional wrestling, Steve Austin is Heyman’s MVP.
Rick Rude – Former World Heavyweight Champion Rick Rude is often forgotten in the list of Paul Heyman guys, but in the heyday of the Dangerous Alliance, no one man was more important to their success than the Ravishing One. Considered one of the all-time greats, his Rude Awakening neckbreaker was a move that few men could ever recover from.
Larry Zbyszko – Welcome to Larry Land! Larry Zbysko is not given enough credit for both his contributions to the world of professional wrestling but for his actual skills inside the squared circle. Zbyszko often likened the grappling arts as a game of human chess, and there’s a reason for that. Larry was always thinking ahead of his opponents, which usually lead to victory for him and the Dangerous Alliance.
Arn Anderson – The Enforcer Arn Anderson is considered one of the greatest professional wrestlers to never be a world champion, and it isn’t hard to see why. His Spinebuster and DDT are the stuff of legend and there may be no wrestler more versatile. His experience in both the singles and tag ranks makes him invaluable to the Dangerous Alliance.
Bobby Eaton – If you were to look up “Tag Team Specialist” in the dictionary, you would find a picture of “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton. Who better to have on your side in a tag team match? Although his name may look unassuming next to some of his team mates, Bobby Eaton and his skill set might actually be the lynchpin to victory for the Dangerous Alliance.
The Match
Although a traditional Survivor Series match is all about strategy, both these teams are led by men with massive egos, so an intimidation game would be expected to start the contest, with Heenan sending in Andre the Giant, and Heyman sending in his men one after another, trying in vain to gain an advantage against the 8th wonder of the world while Andre toys with all of them. Eventually though, Andre’s confidence would leave him open, and of all his opposition, no one would be more prepared for that opening than the human chess master himself, Larry Zbysko. The problem is, getting the best of Andre only served to make the giant very angry, very quickly. This situation would be no different, and a few head butts and a butterfly suplex later, the Heenan Family would draw first blood, putting the Dangerous Alliance on the defensive.
With Heenan scoring both the first physical victory as well as a huge mental one, Heyman would need to regroup and send in his own ace in the hole to try and gain some ground with Andre rested. For Heyman, that ace needs to be Rick Rude. Utilizing quick tags with both Bobby Eaton and Arn Anderson, Rude would be able to tire out the majority of Heenan’s Family, leaving the powerful but tired and lumbering Barbarian open to a Rude Awakening neck breaker that would be just to devastating to recover from. The Dangerous Alliance is back on the board.
If great minds really do think alike, then I could see both Heyman and Heenan sending in their former horsemen to gain the upper hand, leading to a confrontation between the former Brainbusters that dazzles the audience. Their mutual respect for one another would be evident, as handshakes and clean wrestling would be on display to the delight of the crowd, and the anger of both Heyman and Heenan, who would each verbally lambaste their team members for not doing everything they can to beat the opposition. In the heat of the moment, men do not always think clearly, and in this situation it may be easy to forget that both Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard are prideful men. So much so that they decide the contest isn’t worth their time, and the men former horsemen abandon the match to go have a beer together, leaving both teams with just 3 members on each side.
Flustered, Heyman would try to recover by putting Bobby Eaton in against Mr. Perfect in a bid to throw off Hennig’s balance. Bobby understands tag team wrestling better than most, and putting him against a man used to competing as a singles star makes sense on paper, but even with a sound strategy, it’s hard to beat perfection, and eventually the beautiful one would fall to a perfect-plex, putting Heenan’s team ahead once more.
Frustrated, Heyman would likely decide at this point that it was time for some desperate measures. With Steve Austin taking Bobby Eaton’s place against Mr. Perfect, Heyman would instruct Austin to distract the referee while Heyman blasted Mr. Perfect with his cellphone, leaving him dazed and open to a stun gun, and elimination by Austin, tying things up at 2-2.
Of course, what Heyman wouldn’t have counted on is “Ravishing” Rick Rude not taking too kindly to Heyman smashing his best friend in the back on the head with a cell phone. This would lead to Rude bickering with Heyman until Austin would come over to defend his manager. Sadly for everyone involved, the distraction allows Haku to score a savat kick to the throat of Rude, incapacitating him and giving the Heenan Family a 2-1 lead.
At this point, the end game becomes all too clear as Haku tags in a now well rested Andre the Giant who, despite great opposition from the future Stone Cold, takes great pleasure in destroying Steve Austin for the pin fall, making the Colossal Connection the survivors of the match, and the Heenan Family the victors, proving that when it comes to factions, blood is thicker than water.
Winners: The Heenan Family
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