Following the week that was in college football, and as we approach the midway point of the season, we take a look around the PAC-12 at what is going on with this week’s PAC-12 Superlatives.
Best Looking: The Arizona schools
Boasting twin 5-1 records and having taken down PAC-12 North foes Oregon and Stanford, Arizona and Arizona State are basically the beautiful cheerleaders that didn’t want to date you in high school.
Most likely to be mistaken for a homeless person: Mike Leach
How has the Washington State football program not held a charity car wash so that Mike Leach can get a decent haircut? Shame on you, Cougars.
Most likely to win an athletic event at a local middle school: Oregon O-Lineman Hamani Stevens
After being injured in the 1st quarter against Washington, Stevens decided that he WOULD NOT BE CARRIED off the field. Instead, he hopped off to the sideline at a pretty decent clip. He’s the 10:1 favorite to win the hopping contest and three-legged race at Mitchell Elementary next week.
Most likely to be mistaken for a televangelist/’90s pop star: Todd Graham
Todd Graham’s Billy Graham/Brittany Spears-esque headset is ridiculous. I can’t decide if he’s about to preach hellfire and brimstone, or belt out a rendition of “Hit me baby one more time.” That headset is the “visor” of headsets.
Most dramatic [alternatively titled: most likely to win or lose a game in the final 90 seconds]: Cal
Cal has been one entertaining team this year. They lose on a Hail Mary, then win on a missed field goal, and then lose on a late interception. Predicting the end of a Cal game this year is like trying to lick your own elbow: it’s not possible.
Most likely to be found dismembered in a ditch: All of the Pac-12 Refs
No explanation necessary here.
Most likely to win next week: UCLA
After two consecutive losses and a too-close-for-comfort win over Cal, UCLA fans should rest easy knowing that they play Colorado next week.
Speaking of… Class clown: Colorado
Sorry Buffs, you’re the laughing [live]stock of the PAC-12.
Most surprising: Utah
The Utes are 5-1. Who saw this coming? [Stanford fans: “We did.”]
Least popular: Steve Sarkisian
This guy is a real-life heel. Do USC fans even like him?
Least reliable: Pac-12 kickers
Carrying on the spirited tradition of sub-par kicking, ASU’s Zane Gonzalez, OSU’s Trevor Romaine, and Oregon’s Matt Wogan all missed field goals this weekend.
Most likely to memorize the periodic table: Stanford Punter Ben Rhyne, apparently.
According to the game announcers, majoring in biomechanical engineering is as simple as memorizing the periodic table. I wish I’d known it was that easy before I declared stupid psychology as my major!
Least likely to be trusted with your newborn: Stanford returners
Uncharacteristic of Stanford special teams, Ty Montgomery fumbled a punt and Christian McCaffrey fumbled a kick-off during the ASU game on Saturday. While neither directly lost the game for Stanford, this special teams sloppiness certainly did not help.
Most likely to have a future in bouncing at an LA club: Pat Haden
While we’ll probably never know why, Pat Haden (or someone else in the USC administration) had LenDale White removed from the Coliseum. LenDale claimed he didn’t do anything wrong. USC claims he was being loud and disruptive. There are three sides to every story, and USC cinema is great.
Most forgettable: Washington
I’ve been trying to think of something to say about Washington for the past hour and I’m coming up blank, which makes them a shoo-in for this superlative. Their 5-2 record looks impressive until you realize that they’re 1-2 in conference, and their first four games were against Hawaii, Eastern Washington, Illinois, and George State. So… most likely to play an SEC schedule? I kid, I kid.
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