It’s already Week 4 of the college football season and some of us have the misfortune of a bye week. If it hasn’t already happened to you, it will, and here’s what it looks like:
6:30 AM: At the sight of dawn, snap out of a deep slumber just full of excitement. Reach for your phone to text everyone you know “GET UP IT’S GAME DAY” before suddenly realizing that it’s a bye week. Weep openly, and then pass out for a couple more hours.
8:30 AM: Wake up feeling melancholic, yet well rested. After all, you’ve gotten two more hours of sleep than the past three Saturdays when you were up at the crack of dawn to get to the tailgating lots just before they opened. Oh, just me? You hear a noise from the other room, it’s your significant other who is clearly on a mission to watch every minute of college football today. Shake your first at the heavens because BYE WEEK, WHYYYYY?
9:00 AM: While still in bed, open Twitter and search for “Lee Corso” to see what that crazy old codger is up to this morning. Has he sworn at anyone on national television? Has he nearly murdered a live animal? Who knows with this guy? Briefly peruse the Top 10 GameDay signs. Laugh at one and roll your eyes at the other nine. Seriously, the Jameis Winston crab incident has been done; can we all move on?
9:15 AM: Stumble out into the living room. Greet aforementioned spouse who now has a 2-½ hour head start on caffeine, and a fifteen-minute head start on the first game. Suddenly remember what it’s like to watch a game without rip-roaring anxiety for the first time in four weeks. Abruptly remember that it’s a bye week. Shake your fist at the heavens and weep loudly again.
Noon: The first games are almost finished. It’s nearly lunchtime, but you’re too depressed to eat. Begin drinking instead because your coping skills also have a bye week.
12:30 PM: The next set of games are on and your choices are as follows: battle of the Carolina schools, a game between a team you forgot was in the ACC and the best Mormon school; and some random PAC-12/B1G matchup; a delightful college football buffet! You’re partially drunk at this point and bye week melancholia has started to subside.
2:00 PM: Belligerently complain about terrible announcing (probably Brock Huard) and promptly mute the television. Realize that you’re projecting your bye week anger on other people. Watch highlights of your favorite team’s last game to lift your spirits.
5:00 PM: The big games are starting now. Loudly heckle the 9-year-old singing the National Anthem because you’re in a destructive place. Make your significant other question why he/she married you.
6:45 PM: All of the 5 o’clock games are at half time, which gives you enough time to start panicking prematurely about the game next week. Start Googling highlights of that other team in preparation. Eat your feelings in the form of queso and chips. Debate whether a bye week is worse than losing a game (it’s close, but it’s not).
7:30 PM: The final three games have started. Of the six teams playing, one is ranked, two were good a couple of years ago, two have never been good, and one you’ve never even heard of. Still, mediocre games are better than say, an offseason. Notice that the college football season is almost a third over. Take a shot.
11:30 PM: Turn on College Football Final to observe Mark May and Lou Holtz screaming over the top of each other in the usual borderline coherent manner. Become angry that your favorite team isn’t mentioned AGAIN and rant briefly that you can’t even remember when someone on your team was awarded a coveted helmet sticker. Realize that your team didn’t play this week, and that you’ve been drinking for almost 12 hours.
12:00 AM: Congrats, you’ve officially survived the bye week. Thank a higher power that your NFL team is playing tomorrow. Briefly consider a nightmare scenario in which your college and NFL teams have a common week off. Weep openly at the mere thought before heading to bed.
9:00 AM Sunday: Curse loudly, as your team dropped three spots in the rankings for NOT PLAYING. Bye Week: 1, Your Team: 0.
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