The Fat And Skinny Post – NFL Week 1

The Fat And Skinny Post  – NFL Week 1

PRESEASON DELUSIONS, AND CAN WE START ALREADY!

Greetings and Salutations to the Last Word on Sports Football Nation! Please accept the brevity and chaos of this column as I have a 4 p.m. appointment with my butcher, and an early evening marriage counseling session at 7 p.m. – now family mandated for twice a week during football season due Wed. and Fri. is the only availability now that our pigskin church sermons have arisen.

NFL PRESEASON – AN ANNUAL “KISS MY BIPPY”

Five weeks of pseudo-play again has delivered NOTHING but false positives, unwanted prognostications and more TMZ Twitter headlines than I could digest.

THE FAT: ‘WE DON’T KNOW JACK, AND NEVER DID!”

What we have witnessed this preseason, once again is a mirage! You want OJ Simpson-like concrete evidence?

• Last year, the Texans had more preseason wins (3) than regular season wins (2)
• Ryan Leaf had a great preseason right out of the draft. Peyton Manning did not
• Six years ago, the NFL’s worst team in history, Lions (0-16), went 4-0 in the preseason

What, Jadaveon Clowney (which just came up on my MacBook as a spelling error) blowing up backfields as he did in college because of missed blocking assignments got you giddy?

What, did you verbally touch yourself with your preseason mates because y’all love that undrafted free agent who was getting after it in the third and fourth quarters against other scrubs, then finished the preseason with the lead in tackles?

Look, the sausage selection for my Gumbo Ya-Ya this weekend in my butcher’s display case is substantially more important than this past five-week silly season. We pay attention because “absence makes the heart grow fonder!” Nothing more! Full price tickets, nine buck cans of beer, and a heaping helping of sensationalism.

So, if you have surmised that your team – like the past decade – is once again a dumpster fire; or your completely swooned by some pop culture “phenom” QB to resurrect your hopes; or you have suicidal tendencies because your QB is out for the season, take a pill! Every element of the NFL preseason is overrated; no one player has proven a thing, and face it, this kind of ignorance that has least gotten through the past month.

THE SKINNY: PRESEASON ASIDE, THERE’S STILL MORE DOOM, BUT ALSO HOPE IN YOUR NFL WORLD

All hail the champs, but not for long. The Seahawks, with their 24-month graduated ascendance from decades of comedy, into our man caves every dying moment, remain the heavyweight champs, and will be for a good part of this season. Two and a half years ago, they were ranked in several polls as the worst professional sports city.

But they are similar to the Cinderella story chubby high school girl that no one noticed for many years, and who – if her life depended on it – couldn’t get a fella!

Then outta the blue, she not only lost 40 lbs, then got a complete makeover. Now, she’s not only in the top 10, she’s arisen to the top spot of the ranks in your high school TOP TEN HOTTIES, and now is the perennial odds-on fave as prom queen.

And she keeps improving. Whether it’s the chubby girl, or the Seahawks, there will be the inevitable fall from grace. It’s when, not if.

Here’s the gum-chewing, 62-year-old teenager coach + here’s a “pompous cause they’re great” legion of mouth + here’s a record-setting 12th Man (rip-off!!!) in our faces WAY TOO MUCH this early in the campaign.

Already, for NFL many fan bases (Denver? New Orleans? San Fran?), they have risen to the ranks of the Jerry Jones – like hate list of “I hope their plane crashes en route to the game” franchises.

No team has repeated in a decade. And my first of many pontifications below is tied to the reason why:

• Percy Harvin will play no more than 8 games; he will get knocked into tomorrow
• Carson Palmer is this year’s Schaub.
• Eric Decker is this year’s FA Mike Wallace – who’s number will drop after he cashed-in because of a system and a QB.
• Superstars in the making: DeAndre Hopkins, Kenny Vaccaro, Ledarius Green; Eddie Lacy
• Move to the norm: Peyton Manning… yes the almighty, Nick Foles, Niner’s D, RG Moses (already there)
• The NFC and AFC Super Bowl participants will be decided by one thing only – home field advantage
• Kyle Orton enters the Bills Nation by Week 5, and leads the Bills “almost” a playoff berth.
• Regardless, Sammy Watkins will – like most high round wideouts –
• The Shady Acres Retirement Home Raiders will shock a contender or two this season.
• The Browns D will overshadow Johnny Football by Week 8.
• Eli Manning will solidify the theory that his two SB MVP’s were indeed an anomaly.
• The entire Niner’s team will be incarcerated in one week, leaving Harbaugh to change his khaki’s into military garb.
• The Jags will surprise a few of us this season. It might be that they install waterfalls and bungee jumping in the upper deck, but it will be a surprise one way or another.
• The Chiefs and the Colts will regress.
• Ryan Fitzpatrick will last the entire season as Texans QB. Why? Bill O’Brian’s playbook is as thick and complicated as a Harvard thesis, and Patrick Fitzryan went to Harvard.
• The Chargers will have a good season, but once again will get screwed by zebras and miss the playoffs.

UNPACKING THIS WEEK’S BEST…. or WORST BETS

1. Bills (+7) will cover in Chicago.
2. Browns (+7) will win in Pitt.
3. Jets (-5.5)  and Raiders will score more on Friday night than they will on Sunday.
4. Chargers (+3) will cover and win outright at Arizona.
5. Saints (-3) offense will outgain the Falcons 541 to 301, and it will still be a 3 pt. game.
6. Dallas Cowboy (+4) will cover, but fans will blockade Jones after the game, having had enough with $75 parking and $6 hotdogs.

To my football brethren, A HEARTFELT WELCOME BACK!

Keep the drinks cold and the grill hot. We’ll see you in the parking lot!

Or

Keep the wife and kids out, and stifle your doom and gloom, and we’ll see Sunday in the living room!