Gareth Edward’s new Godzilla movie hits theaters this Friday, and to say I’m excited would be a bit of an understatement. There’s a reason he’s called King of the Monsters, and after the last attempt to create a North American version of Godzilla that I’m sure we’d all rather forget, it’s time for a little redemption.
It has me thinking about who from the world of professional wrestling I’d send after the big green lizard if faced with that ridiculous scenario. I thought about each wrestler’s strengths and weaknesses and I’ll make sure to give a brief explanation as to why they made the list. There are certainly a number of great choices, be these are the 10 wrestlers I’d square off against Toho’s biggest (literal and figurative) icon.
10. Cesaro. This may seem like an odd choice when there are other, larger, more powerful choices, however, when watching the King of Swing, one must take into account his freakish strength. The man has performed feats that have shocked and awed everyone watching. Could you imagine Godzilla being hoisted into the air for a European uppercut? Or how about being swung round and round for 30 rotations? If anyone could do it, the Swiss Superman can.
09. Hulk Hogan. We’re talking about a man who made a career out of destroying giants! He even defeated a guy named King Kong in a steel cage. Not quite the same I know, but in his heyday, Hulk Hogan took on the biggest and baddest monsters around and still managed to always come out on top. This would be the ultimate test of the big boot and leg drop combo. Is Hulkamania the strongest force in the universe? I’m pretty sure this is a fight that would put that theory to the test.
08. Yokozuna. Who better to attack Godzilla than one of his own people? He’d never see it coming! For the record, I know Yokozuna was actually Samoan, but I’m talking about the character here, not the man. Possibly one of the only men who could stand toe to toe with Godzilla…And have the weight advantage! If there was any wrestler who would match Godzilla power for power, it’s Yoko.
07. Abyss. Sometimes you have to fight a monster with another monster. That’s how Godzilla was defeated in his other films. The big difference here is that Mothra never had an affinity for thumb tacks and barbed wire! Abyss may be the only wrestler who would actually enjoy fighting Godzilla. He might just win by attrition.
06. The Road Warriors. Two heads are better than one, and in this case, two monsters are better than one as well! Godzilla always seemed to be at his weakest when facing more than one monster, and The Road Warriors always seemed at their strongest when they were working together. They were the most dominant force in tag team wrestling for a reason, which makes them excellent candidates to take out Godzilla.
05. Kane. It’s the big red machine versus the big green machine! Although it would be unlikely that Kane could get Godzilla up for a choke slam, he’s a man that has faced strange forces not usually seen and managed to come back for more. Kane is essentially indestructible, and might be the only one who could use Godzilla’s fire breath to his advantage.
04. Goldberg. 173 straight victories. If any man on this list knows a thing or two about taking down opponents, be they man or beast, its Goldberg. The man was fueled by intensity and no matter the size of opposition, he was able to plow through them. Goldberg himself often resembled an unstoppable monster when between the ropes. He sounds like the perfect candidate to stop Godzilla’s path of destruction.
03. Vader. Vader is a man so terrifying that people opted to quit the wrestling business rather than face him. That is a man who understands fear, and how to use it against his opponent, man or otherwise. This is a man who had his eye hanging from its socket and still would not back down! Given the choice between a missile from Mecha-Godzilla or Vader’s fists, I’m not sure which is more destructive.
02. Brock Lesnar. You want to talk about impossible scenarios? This is a man who bullies his way through them, including one that no one thought they would ever see: ending the Undertaker’s undefeated Wrestlemania streak. The man has conquered every challenge put in front of him with brute force and unbelievable power. If even the Undertaker can fall to the F-5, then Godzilla doesn’t stand a chance!
01. Bruiser Brody. Bruiser Brody is the closest thing a human being has ever come to being Godzilla. He tore through every country he ever competed in, including Japan, where he became as big as the King of the Monsters (figuratively at least). He has a little bit of all the attributes mentioned in the other men on this list, but he did it bigger and better than anyone. His nickname was King Kong Brody, and how appropriate that Godzilla’s greatest foe in film would also be his most dangerous opponent in the ring?
I had lots of fun with this article, and obviously, there are many other wrestler who would be fun to imagine against the King of Monsters. I just didn’t have time to list them all. Who would you choose to battle Godzilla? Tell us using #GodzillaVersus.
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