The Y’all Mahal, Burning Jerseys, and NFL Damning Documentaries
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Temporary Headline: Death, Grief & Sorrow
To begin:
Required Reading: League of Denial
Required Reading 2: Timely Letter from Commissioner Goodell
I have produced radio shows that have covered the dichotomy that our beloved league is currently in. I have much interest in this as I have many friends and colleagues in the NFL. If you have any idea of what I am referring to, you will know that “sh** is about to hit the fan.” Absorb the above-listed, and I sincerely hope we can enjoy our Sunday rituals in the same fashion as we have up to this quarter-pole of the NFL season.
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OK, LET’S KICKSTART THIS AGAIN, PLEASE
Oooh…. MLB playoffs have started.
Ahhhh…. NHL has dropped the puck on its marathon season.
Yeeeaaah…The Premiership has started with a bang, and
Wow…. the MLS is winding down.
Holy crap…Did you see that the government gave “their own” Toronto Raptors and MLSE Corp 500k for the NBA All-Star Weekend bid, which they were awarded, and they signed “Drake” as their worldwide ambassador?
Government shutdowns, Obamacare, Hurricane Karen, Amanda Knox’s ex-lover, 4 Cops strip woman naked, Giant hornets scaring citizens, and ….
Who gives a rat’s a**?
Jerseys are burning in Houston. The Brown’s are relevant. Peyton for President…no….God! And the Y’all Mahal will be chaotic this weekend.
It’s Week 5 in the NFL (cue cassette tape of old Monday Night theme)
On second thought cue Young & The Restless Theme
And keep playing while reading this column.
Bills 24 @ Browns 37
Buzz kill…Upstart QB and Savior Hoyer missed sliding practice, and is now done for the year.
But…. In a cloud of Booos that rival anything in the losing NFL cities, Brandon Weedon leads the Dawgs to victory.
Buzz kill…EJ Manuel is a victim of a “lets protect each other by FINING headshots and ENCOURAGING ACL shots.
But… This is like “old hat” to the Bills Nation. “You get the girl home, get comfortable with her…. a little heavy petting and smooching…. then you get a bottle of wine and some candlelight and Marvin Gaye “Lets Get It On” and a soft blanket….get her pants off….. and ……and IN WALK THE PARENTS!
After the game, Bills release PUNTER Shawn Powell. Why?
Because Travis Benjamin is flat-out electrifying, budding star, and Bills special teams didn’t stay in their lanes.
Shawn, you’re more than welcome to hawk beer with me and Josh Freeman @ Soldier Field this weekend.
Texans @ Niners -7.5
Texan’s fans are buying Schaub jerseys just to burn them. JJ Watt is ready to go postal on someone/something. It’s not just Schaub, as Arian Foster seems to only be productive this season when the Texans are leading (a relief pitching 2.4 YPA vs. 4.1 YPA). Crushing the Rams is no proof of anything for the Niners. Alotta who, what, why, when, where will be decided by the Niners, and only the Niners this weekend against an angry Texans team.
Niners by 3
Eagles @ Giants -1
How embarrassing is it Chip’s team has gone from innovative offensive “Einstein-ism” unstoppable world beaters to be underdogs against a sad sack Giants squad who crescendo’d their ineptness by getting pounded by the Chiefs. This game may be unwatchable. But I will follow just to track Shady McCoy who averages 8.1 YPA between the hash marks – double that of any other RB). Giants 22nd ranked D vs. Eagles 2nd ranks O. Eagles 32nd ranked D vs. Coughlin’s Brain Farts.
Giants by 2
Ravens @ Fins -3
Fins are on track to 72 sacks of their cherished QB commodity. Memo to the O-Line: QB’s don’t last at that rate. In the Fin’s favor, Ravens are glaringly thin at wide-out, and although Drew Breesus and the Who Dat Nation torched you this past week, your strength is in the secondary, regardless if your #1 pass rusher Cameron Wake is activated. Flacco threw 5 picks last week in Buffalo, and I anticipate another 3 this week. Elvis Dumervill and Terrell Suggs can do damage, but other than that, Ravens are very average, at best.
Fins by 6
Pats @ Bengals Even
Vince Wilfork is out, done, and regardless of the ridiculous broad generalities from Belichick this week, retired for at least 14 months. The man who makes Refrigerator Perry look like a lolly pop child, will be missed more than their absent tight ends. Amendola and Gronk may return. “Heard” that before! Bengals are outta whack, totally. They failed to score an offensive TD last week vs. The Browns, and Dalton cannot find AJ Green consistently to save his life (17 catches in 37 tries). On the + side, Giovanni Bernard averages 5+ on 50% of his carries.
Bengals get off the shnide, by 3
Chiefs @ Titans +2.5
Key points: CJ2K averaging 3.3 YPA. Chiefs have the most underrated D in the league right now. Titans remain right along side on that side of the ball. Enter Ryan Fitzpatrick Fitzryan, who from time to time ventures away from his Ivy league IQ and can wear a Blaine Gabbert suit as good as anyone, so expect him to help out a stout KC defensive front 7 at some point. Tennessee, who have NOT COMMITTED A TURNOVER…. I repeat… have NOT COMMITTED A TURNOVER, do! And several, at that.
Chiefs by 4
Saints @ Bears Even
I can wax poetic for 10 paragraphs on this matchup, and it maybe the best game of the week. But I won’t! This is a one-of-a-kind true test for both franchises. “Don’t eat the cheese” Sean Payton who refuses to let the Who Dat Nation believe in the hype vs. “QB Whisperer Mark Trestman” who will have to hypnotize Cutler into believing in his own natural abilities. “Familiarity breeds contempt” as Saint evacuee Bushrod must hug and smooch his ex-teammates, then hold off a very underrated pass rush.
Whether Lance Moore plays is a big key that can put Saints over the top. But Moore has not been back to full speed this week. Graham is uncoverable, Sproles the same. Colston, Thomas and Brees have good games, enough to win, but special teams cost the Saints.
Bears by 2
Jags @ Rams -12.5
Uhhh, mmmmm, uhhhhhh……… who cares!
Rams by 0.122
Lions @ Pack -7.5
The above line is really a joke. Times-are-a-changing in the NFC Norris division. Eddie Lacey maybe only option at RB for the Pack. Reggie Bush can torch any defense, and Packs are vulnerable all around. Pack need balance on offence, and have less than a 50% chance in getting it. Reggie for mayor.
Lions by 1
Seattle @ Indy +2.5
Indy Chuck-Strong primed to take it to the next level. Missing Russell Okung and Max Unger is a microcosm of an escalating protection problem the Seahawk line has protecting Wilson. Trent Richardson under the spotlight against a D that gets back suspended Bruce Irvin t an already deep D. If Indy can protect Luck, and only if, Indy topples Hawks from the unbeaten ranks.
Indy by 1
Panthers @ Cards +2
Panthers, who should reeling from injuries on D are coming off a franchise “HIGH”. I haven’t a flipping idea who or what the Cards are, who get back their best defensive player Daryl Washington from suspension, and Dan Williams from a terrible family tragedy two weeks ago. Coach Arians has team regrouped, and we finally see a breakout game from Palmer.
Cards by 10
Broncos @ Cowboys +8.5
The ‘Boys went into a 13-0 Superdome a few years ago and took down the undefeated Saints. With what? A PASS RUSH!
You wanna beat Manning, or Brady, or Brees, or Rogers? You scheme your ass-off and rush the QB! No pressure=no chance of winning.
King Manning will have an eventual move to the “normal over-average” Manning, eventually. No way even a combo of Unites, Montana, Manning, Brady and Brees can continue this pace. As good and deep as they are, THIS UNBLEMISHED RUN AND THESE KINDS OF NUMBERS IS AN ANOMOLY! Flat out!
Memo to Cowboys brain dead coaching staff (see last week), LET MURRAY TOUCH THE BALL 20X, rush the damn passer AT ANY COST, and you have a chance to win. PERIOD!
I believe that even the $30 paying standing “still can’t see” room crowd at the Y’all Mahal will riot from the 1st snap – see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cTyWGgr-z8. One for the ages.
Boys shock the world by 1 (Jones afterward: “we’re going to the show baby”)
Chargers @ Raiders +4
This one kicks off at 11:30 on the east coast. That’s 11:30 near midnight, not noon.
No worries. 3 Red Bulls at 9pm + a few pots of coffee + a little foreplay with the wife before you leave her high and dry for an 11:30 kick off claiming you want to sleep in the basement (you, not me).
Phillip Rivers had a near perfect last week. Raiders get their hopes up with the return of Pryor back, but no McFadden = no chance.
San Diego Super Chargers by 7
Jets @ Falcons – 10
Falcons have a bevie of injuries. An even moving the ball with Ryan being Matt Ryan, they are anemic in the red zone.
You take a usually over-average Jets D, and combine that with Ryan not having a single TD pass to Gonzales, White, Julio, or Rodgers…and that points to…no matter what brand names you have on offense…HOGS don’t perform = you don’t succeed. I believe Falcons young secondary get enough brain farts from the Jets rookie QB to keep this in Falcon’s favor. Falcons see Saints driving way at a fast pace, and…..
Falcons by 14
Buccaneers Bye Week Itinerary:
Leadership Training and Team Building Retreat. Bucs see lots of ropes courses and trust activities.
Redskins Bye Week Itinerary:
All linemen enrolled in massage therapy curriculum, at which point they take turns visiting RG Moses to work on his gimpy leg.
Steelers Bye Week Itinerary:
Players Only Meeting daily – for shots, beers (old draught wall….killer!) and sandwiches at MY favorite watering hole on the lower south side – FATHEADS.
They work out problems there.
Vikes Bye Week Itinerary:
Coaching staff charter plane to Mississippi, and try and convince……
Your weekly Praise The Lard Recipe is here: The Ultimate Marinated Flank Steak
Yell at me at [email protected]
Keep the drinks cold, the grill hot, and we’ll share head injuries in the parking lot!
Gridiron Chef “Doc”
You can find out more about the Author at the Tailgate Media Network.
[email protected]
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