Greetings, Salutations to the Gridiron Nation!
Blockbuster early season trade… 22 matches decided by a touchdown or less by week 3… more personnel soap operas than the Young and The Restless…damn, I love me some NFL. BUT……gotta bitch!
Calling You Out!
Memo to the drunk-a** idiot moron working the satellite knobs on the cable and satellite controls (at Sunday Ticket, Expressvu et al.):
I already have a hard enough time ON SUNDAY juggling remotes on 6 x 1pm games that come down to the last 3 minutes while monitoring my 2 fantasy leagues and the roux for my gumbo. It takes a Masters Degree in multi-tasking to get out of the NFL what I need each week.
But for the last 2 weeks, you satellite engineering types have severely MUCKED UP the channel selections. I can accept if a buffet line fudges up the label on the chicken noodle soup pot when it’s actually vegetable beef. And I can accept the hardware store has mixed up the prices on my hardwood charcoal. But the next time I memorize the game channels on Sunday Ticket, only to find at least 3 wrong listings (2 dif’t teams from what’s listed on the program guide) and at least 2 channels – listed to have games that are BLACK (NO PROGRAMMING), I will drive down to your company and unleash hell on you that will make Russell Crowe in Gladiator look like Pee-Wee Herman.
Is it that freaking hard to list all 1pm games in sequential channel numbers, then 4pm games following that in sequential numbers? And is that hard to make sure that after 6 months of NFL deprivation and the spending several hundred bucks on Sunday Ticket that I can expect the Falcons-Saints to be on the channel that its listed on. Please, get your **** together please. My mid-life is hard enough already without my BP escalating due technological ineptness. I already hate Bill Gates.
My Condolences:
Dawgpound, I feel for ya Dawg! No words needed!
Two of my pals from the Dawgpound in Cleveland arranged a protest a few years back, and thousands stayed out of the stadium until well into the 2nd quarter, all in protest of the way (previous owner) Randy Lerner was making the Jags and Bills look like world-beaters. That protest got him a one-on-one with Lerner. He basically was fed a BS- EXXON-LIKE “we understand and we’re going to make things better”. So Lerner sold to the team to a trucking tycoon unbeknownst to him about to be up on federal charges.
But, like in Buffalo, a full new regime aboard, and “hope in the world” a few years later, and voila………………………things are the same.
I cannot dull the pain. And for that, I am sorry and will be having a drink in your honor this weekend. Not because of the trade of your #3 overall pick (and star of NFL’s “like a bad rash” fantasy commercial that I am more familiar with than my daughter’s boyfriend), but because you’re batting 17% on 3rd down, your QB is out this week, and before that he had more completed passes to side-judges and ball boys than Brown wide-outs.
5 shots of premium tequila in y’er honor.
Hold Your Horses, Indy Nation:
As magical as your season was last year (even I was Chuck-Strong), your prodigy QB was hit more times than Bubba’s Buick at the county fair demolition derby, and you’re even “worse” this year. No Jim Brown anointed RB will single-handedly fix the O-line problems. I’ll take a flyer on Richardson if he solely helps blitz pick-ups.
Jacksonville, Ohhhh Jacksonville
Averaging less than 3 yards a play! Traveling to Seattle this weekend! And unless the Seahawks bus crashes, I can’t see anything but MJD (who returns this weekend) walking off the field after the national anthem, and saying: “f*** this!”
Reid Returns to Dun-like-us Field
My pal “Chase” who authored www.firethewalrus.com and proclaimed that “Kansas City BBQ Joints Rejoiced” upon Walrus Reid signing with the Chiefs, must be tailgating his a** off at a stadium known to be the most vicious in the NFL. I’ve seen Eagle fans punch their own Mamas during Eagle blowouts, so I can’t imagine what the reception will be tonight for Culpepper and also apparently Donovan McTurtle.
Wonder what the Eagles fans think about Reid and the Chiefs going to 3-0 after taking down the Eagles on Thursday Night?
Chip Kelly Brain “Challenge” Tumors
As “Usain Bolt-ish” as Chip’s Offense seems to be (somewhat of a fallacy…will discuss another time), Chip’s declining reasoning skills, compounded by his “drunk” replay booth personnel is totally befuddling. He has had two mind-blowing challenge screw-ups the past 2 weeks. What appears to us armchair QB’s as indisputable evidence, as plain as the nose on his freckled face, is not to the intoxicated dumb-dumbs in the booth.
I can’t comprehend stupidity like this when it appears I have leading edge technology in my home – Sunday Ticket (when its working), online video and copious camera angles, and a 55’ High Def screen and a MacBook Pro with perfect resolution; though it appears the drunkards on the Eagle’s sideline and replay booths are using a 17” Black and White TV with Rabbit Ears (your Generation Z’s reference: https://www.msu.edu/~tdc/play/radio/CrosleyTV.jpg) and 2 tin cans and a string to communicate their illogical mess of decisions!
And by the way CHIP, your defense is starting to mirror the 2012 Saints historically bad defense. Be afraid!
Tom Brady Daycare Opens Sunday
Yes, Tom Terrific seems like he’s pouting after every series. And yes, he’s throwing to a crew (less Amendola) that couldn’t catch a cold. But I say, “look pal, you’ve had it good – a bikini model wife; an O Line that has kept you upright for years; and a franchise that forgives you for your metro-sexual off-season ways.
Stop pouting Tommy! And if I were you, I’d start coaching-up your group of puppy receivers, and do it now. Why? Because a very underrated Buc’s D is coming to town – a D full of spearing Dashon Goldstens who in 2 weeks have game-ending hits that would make James Harrison and the late Deacon Jones blush. After seeing the hits on Jimmy Graham and Darren Sproles on Sunday, you seriously wonder how they remained in the game. And btw, Jimmy had 55 catches and 900 yards in the 1st half.
Look, take my word for it, as sad as Josh Freeman is right now, the BUCS D is nasty and will keep their anemic offense in every game. You maybe pouting now Tom, but that bottom lip drooping will be split open and your head will be bleeding like the 4th week at Lilly Fair.
The Proliferation of Inappropriate NFL Game Commercials
Hey TV Producers! I know the realities of life force you to accept any and all advertisers. But after having a half a decade of explaining to a pre-teen the human need for “fragrant douches”, and the functionality of condoms. Enough is enough. I AM NOT IN THE MOOD to explain to my young and innocent daughters (who do take in the occasional NFL game) why at one moment they witness Daddy engaged in Tony Siragusa’s Testosterone Based “Man Cave” show, and another moment they are witnessing me watching Tony pushing “Depends Undergarments – Guard Your Manhood” commercials.
Vegas Gets To Munchak?
Hello Coach Mike. I have a bookie from an alley off Las Vegas Blvd. looking for you.
Look buddy, your kicker had already missed from 50+ yds. twice, and with 22 sec. left vs. the Texans, YOU froze him, or attempted to.
You probably talked to my Mom (by the way – you’d make a great couple) because she always bet against my Little League team. And when she did, we won.
I don’t know if you heard, but empirical evidence exists that time-outs have no effect of kickers (take note BRAIN-CRAMPED COACHES); ergo there is no such thing as “freezing a kicker!” Even if your kicker is like Tiger Woods, who can stop a 175 mph swing when a photographer snaps a photo; and/or he uses the wasted kick as a practice swing, what the h*** are you thinking?
And if you’re taking a hint from MY MOM (by the way she needs a husband, did I mention that), and assuming that a double negative (freezing YOUR OWN kicker) equals a positive, please please please come get my bank card, I’ll give you PIN#, go take out 20 bucks and buy a clue!
So all in all:
Fact: Your kicker had sucked to that point in the game.
Fact: You inadvertently chose to attempt to freeze your kicker.
Fact: It’s impossible to freeze a kicker.
Hypothesis: So you didn’t really have any effect on your already “suck able” kicker when you tried to freeze him…..and I have no idea what I’m talking about, and you should date my Mom.
Check back tomorrow for Fat & Skinny Post picks, and a “Praise The Lard” recipe.
Keep the drinks cold, the grill hot, and I’ll meet you in the parking lot.
…..in Cleveland….Muni Lot….where we’ll be doing shots with Browns Fans and a little intervention.
Gridiron Chef “Doc”
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