That was as bad of a Thursday night daaaaawwwwggggg of a game as I have ever seen.
On my office door, there’s a sign that says: “Caution! Does Stupid Things When Bored!”
Speaking of which…Did you know that during that engaging and enchanting sporting event we witnessed last night, during the 3rd quarter when my hand ACCIDENTLY hit the satellite remote and changed channels after the 10th dropped pass, that I noticed an episode of HONEY BOO-BOO where her redneck Mom literally “ate” Honey Boo-Boo.
Watching the Patriots and Jets (attempting to be) receivers Thursday night………remember when you were “playing catch” with your Pa when you were still a pup, and he’d float you the ball so slowly to you that it seemed like it was in suspended animation? And then you’d try and cradle the ball with hands underneath, and most times it would bounce off your chest onto the ground? And he’d say: “that’s okay!” Rex and Bill aged 20 years Thursday night, and there are no further words to describe what I witnessed.
At least 5 of those non pass-catchers should be selling vacuums by next week.
K, this weeks picks:
Broncos -3 at Giants
(Read the following in a high school valley boy’s voice please.)
Fan 1: Peyton’s a way better QB?
Fan 2: No way man!
Fan 1: Peyton the best of all time.
Fan 2: How’s that? Eli has more Super Bowls!
Fan 1: So…….so.
Fan 2: Whatcha mean “so”?
Fan 1: Oh yeah, well…well…well…he’s just lucky in the playoffs, Eli is soooo freakin’ lucky.
Fan 2: Oh yeah, well you’re…you’re….an…uh…..uh…a……a….. big poo-poo head.
At that point, an enraged gunmen walks in and says: “Shut the f*** up and ……
Coach Coughlin keeps its close by making David Wilson sit on sidelines in between possessions with a ball, duck taped to his arm and chest. NYG too depleted, Denver too deep. No 7-TD game for older bro (which fudged my fantasy league…IDIOT), but at a least 4-TD game.
Broncos by 6
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Forty Whiners @ She-hawks -2.5
Eyebrow shaving wagers between star QB’s? Twitter barbs and name-calling? Women offended by the name She-Hawks? What is this, Pre-school?
Look, I ‘ll shave my back and toss my house cat it in the microwave if you both shut up and just play.
& Harbaugh, shut up!
Niners by 1
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Skins @ Pack -9
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Robert Griffin Moses is trying to “live” and financially survive off his recent endorsement money, in order to save his entire NFL salary.
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Alfrid Morris drives a ‘91 Mazda something or other.
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And Kirk Cousins doesn’t own a vehicle.
Wow, what a “grounded” team, ehhhhh?
Could be an ass-woopin. If RG King James gets stuck in anymore 2nd and 25’s, he will be permanently be planted in the (queue the NFL Films voice) froooozzzennn tundra of Lambeeeaaaauuuu Field. By the end of the 3rd quarter, the rhetoric on RG Moses’ knee (and his capabilities or lack thereof to play at last year’s level) will be longer than Clay Matthew’s pony tail.
Pack by 10
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Panthers -2.5 at The Ralph
C.J and Freddy, meet Luke Keuchly – future NFL defensive player of the year.
Doug Marrone opens up the playbook for Manuel, but is offset by Keuchly’s 96 tackles, an INT and a sack. Like “Chicken Man”…he’s everywhere, he’s everywhere (watch this)
Grills on high by 8am and the tailgate at the Ralph is stellar, but….
Panthers by 2
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Rams @ Falcons -7.5
Did you know that Ram’s DE’s Robert Quinn and Chris Long are having steak and potatoes at Matt Ryan’s house Saturday night? Mrs. Ryan feels that it would better for her hubby Matty to get to get comfy in advance with the guys that he’ll be continually rolling in the hay with on Sunday. Rams sad sack Ryan 10 times, but Gonzales has 3 TD’s and Stephen Jackson a couple of long scampers to sneak out a win.
Falcons by 1
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Jags @ Raider -5.5
Jags-Raiders Need-to-know:
Did you know there’s documentary on TV this Sunday about the “just voted-on” ugliest animal on earth – the Blobfish (see here)
Raider nation has an ounce of hope, at least for a day. When’s the last time we say Raiders favored by 5.5 points? Jag’s Coach Gus wants Henne to “embrace the QB job.” I want to be at a flea market in rural Indiana during this one.
Blobfish documentary gets higher ratings than this one, but….
Raiders by 2
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Steelers @ Bengals -7
When the allies fully penetrated Germany at the end of WWII, it was rumored that some of the German SS wouldn’t drop their weapons and surrender, and were subsequently terminated as a result.
I vividly see Steeler nation on the end of the ship with a an iron fist in the air as the “infirmary ward” ship sinks (remember Capt. Yosemite Sam).
There is no way this shouldn’t be a “changing of the guard” game in this division. But because its Monday and the Steelers, and magic happens blah blah blah, and Tomlin is a tough composed Commander with a hall of fame D Coordinator, Steeler keep it close.
Bengals by 3
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I will be alone in my living room watching Sunday Ticket on Sunday – duh. If any of you want to come over, let me know. I can let you in the basement door. I told my wife there’s a huge 7-hour sale on soaps and bath salts at the mall, THIS SUNDAY ONLY from 1pm-8pm.
Gridiron Chef “Doc”
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