Greetings, Salutations to the Gridiron Nation!
Just the morning “smell” of fall last week got me going. And with the organized savagery of the NFL on deck and its opening weekend completely overshadowing all points of mid-life stress this past week, I was happy to take in EVERY snap of EVERY game like a sponge. And by Monday, I was so drunk on the NFL that I, in retrospect, had uncharacteristically not yelled at, screamed or thrown things at a play-by-play or color announcer, or zebra. Huh?
That’s not me. I guess it was like being so smitten with all physical and intellectual aspects of your new smoking hot girlfriend, aka young love, that you can overlook the mole on her left cheek and a peculiar body odor.
Anyways, here are the bullets:
Christian Ponder…uhhh…. errrr…oh my God! After watching the remainder of the Lions-Vikes after AP’s 78 yd. TD scamper on his first carry, and then an array of Ponder brain farts, I had realized that Ponder – paired up with unworldly-like Adrian Peterson – is like the time I was dating Scarlett Johansson. Every time we went out in public, every sector of the human race is singing: “One of these things is not like the other.” Like Scarlett with me, Ponder is on a short leash. Like 6” short.
Bungling Media Types
The Niners-Packers drew the highest TV rating since the Oscars. Which begs the question, why feature hobbled Giants v. Cowboys on Sunday night?
I have to hand it to NBC. I do believe they hit the “under” on shots of Jerry Jones and Jr. and celeb friends in his luxury suite. Though there were enough sickening shots of The Empire Jones enough to disclose that they did serve Oysters on The Half Shell, Shrimp Scampi, Texas Baseball Steaks and a series of Mocktails.
And re: Niners-Pack. If I hear one more announcer say ANTOINE Boldin, I will kill us all I swear. It’s Anquan Boldin! ANQUAN with a “Q”! You have 5 days of pre-production in coffee shops and TV trucks to get it right.
Oh, and by the way, ANQUAN just had another 3 catches during the composition of these last 3 paragraphs. Which begs the question: “What was the call like between Harbaugh brothers after the Super Bowl?”
Jim: Congrats on the great win bro.
John: Thx bro. I just wish we hadn’t had that controversial last play in the end zone. That must of broke your heart eh, brother?
Jim: Yeah, that was bullshit. But, hey what can you do.
John: Now that you mention it, Boldin wants a new deal and Ozzie won’t budge. There’s not a better possession guy in the league and we need to clear $4 billion in cap space to afford Flacco’s deal.
Jim: Well we need a possession guy. Whatcha need?
John: Well how about you fill my SUV with gas, gimmee 4 bags of chips and a case of Bud and we’ll call it even Steven. I hope that makes up for the bad call in the end zone.
Jim: You’re a brother, brother!
To be honest, I don’t want to go all JFK conspiracy on your ass, but what a bunch of crap we’re eating on this one. If any one player could, Boldin will be the factor that single-handedly puts the Niners back in the bowl.
Since I started this column, the Eagles ran another 15 plays and the Bucs were penalized for having “too many” penalties (13-102 yds.). Speaking of which, I assume the Buc’s Lavonte David drank himself to sleep Sunday night. As stupid as anything I have seen since Leon Lett in the snow. Watch the film.
“I feel ya Dawg”
To those Browns who awoke this past Sunday morning, with “hope in the world”, preparing a spectacular meal with their closest Brown bretheren, decorated in the last Brown garb, and grinning from ear to ear like a kid on Christmas morning, then who watched Brandon Weedon throw 3 picks in the 1st half. To my friends at the Dawgpound: The 1-800- SUICIDE-PREVENTION numbers have changed. Please check your local calling area for new numbers.
I also feel for:
Good guy Mike Tomlin and the decimated Steelers. At this rate, they may bring back Charlie Batch to play center and LB.
And although a ray of QB hope exists in Oakland after this weekend, I feel for the Raider Nation who we forget still has ½ the salary cap wrapped up in dead contracts. ½, that’s right – ½.
And Bills fans, who had near-weaponless Brady roll into Buffalo as vulnerable as he has ever been, which gave Bills fans hope to get their head off the pillow on gameday. Seeing Brady beat them like a redheaded stepchild, or by squeaking one out like he did Sunday – I am sorry, but it’s all the same!
And also I felt bad for Titans fans (who eventually had a good day) when Darius Reynaud took on knee on the goal line for a safety on the “OPENING FREAKIN’ KICK-OFF”. My Titan buddy rolled his eyes so far back in his head, they got stuck. He said, “Is this an omen?” I said, “Quit whining, how’d you like to be in Buffalo or Oakland?”
Speaking of safeties, there were so many safeties (2 pt. variety) in the 1st half of the 1 o’clock games on Sunday, that I thought I had mistook the NFL scrolling scoreboard for NHL preseason. When I talk all season about the “randomness” effecting the NFL season, this is exactly what I am referring to. By the way, on Sesame Street this past weekend, the magic number was “2”.
I scored 165 points in my ESPN fantasy league this week. My life does blow, and my wife and kids hate me! But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night, and I did score 165 points in my fantasy league. Little meaningless victories my friend….little meaningless victories.
I know several tailgate friends in Jacksonville on Sunday that had walked more yards to get to the Porta-Johns at the end of their parking lot after their first 5 beers, than the Jags had in total offence in the 1st half on Sunday vs. the Chiefs.
“The Return of RG Moses”
In the most overhyped return since Peyton Manning, RG Moses could not have crapped the bed more than he did Monday night in the 1st half. Memo to Zone Running Game Guru Coach Shanahan: the read-option is built to counter over-pursuit, and it does not work if handed off to Alfred (Batman’s butler?) every snap, and Moses jogs away as no threat whatsoever. Combined with copious amount of Redskin turnovers, and 55 Eagle plays in the first half carving through the ‘Skins D like a hot knife through butter, it truly looked like Alabama playing a Pop Warner squad. Shady McCoy channeled his inner Barry Sanders (God!) and looked as good as any RB in the league in the past 2 years (AP included).
Although the Skins straightened up to make the game respectable, Bag of Chip’s Kelly Freakable Offense announced itself with presence Monday night. Even to a point where the Chargers (who apparently had foregone pregame stretching before the late game Monday, and watched the Eagles 1st half domination from the locker room) were forced to run hills after their collapse Monday night. Coach Reilly has the unenviable task of preparing a very depressed San Diego squad, on a short week, for a track meet against a guy named CHIP who very well maybe on the leading edge. “I ain’t seen nuttin in the past 20 years like what I had seen in the 1st half early Monday night!” Had you?
Fun? Yes, it was. But the Eagles were so fast that I had no window of opp to head to the fridge for a bevie for well over an hour. Chip and Vick better slowdown, or I am organizing a protest….through the breweries.
And for those who watched Moses’ Redskins and the Eagles on Monday, did any of you think you saw an official’s flag on every play? Those stupid yellow spikes on some of the Redskin’s players were screwing me up. I am sure I am not the only one….I think!
And question to Redskins stadium personnel @ FedEx Field – Why would you put down what looks like a plastic “skating rink” less than 5 yards from the sideline? At least 5 players running out of bounds on Monday night did, or nearly “did a header”. The surface looked like it was paved with Crisco. Look dimwits, we have enough problems with Sports Turf. And by week 6, most injury reports look like infirmary lists from the war. Take your head out of your bippy!
10 Bucks Says:
Attention RG Moses, Kaepernick, Wilson et al.
The NFL adjusts! D Coordinators are too smart, players too strong, and the field is too small. One of you is going to get dropped like a prom dress after midnight in the next 6 weeks. Remember Mommy said: “don’t touch the element, it’s hot and it will burn you!” On that note, apparently ESPN – against better judgment – will end bringing back “Jacked Up”, dedicated to the obliteration of running QB’s. Memo to Johnny “I can’t get enough attention” Football: Trust me, you’ll get more attention than the waitresses at Hooters on gameday. Bulk up my friend!
Oh, and by the way: Jim Harbaugh, “shut your pie hole for once!” I hope the next time Clay Matthews tackles someone on your sideline, you are blessed with a “Sean Payton-like knee injury.
I can quit cigars, red meat, alcohol, and swearing!
On Sunday, with all the pageantry Sean Payton’s return post- Bounty-B.S., he deferred all deductive reasoning skills to TRUST…YES TRUST Rob “Mullet” Ryan’s defense to stop Matty Melting Ice in the last minute of the game. More on that in a second!
First, more randomness. Drew Brees….you know the guy who is more accurate than an expert archer (watch this), underthrew 3 long balls in the 1st half of the Falcons Saints game, which if he had connected on would have sealed the game well before the 4th quarter. Go fig!
I thought I’d lose 20 Lbs. before that happened.
Now, a let’s turn to that stellar Saints “Defense” (I use that term loosely) that was 32nd against the run, 31st against the pass, ttl. points scored, and avg. rush in 2012, and had a pass rush weaker than a wet brown paper bag last year. To the WHO DAT NATION who cringed as Payton elected to kick the field goal late in the 4th, and PUT THE GAME IN THE HANDS OF ROB RYAN AND THIS 2012 BODY OF WORK, I say: “I hear ya bra!” I did the same, and continued to roll my eyes right up to fourth and goal. Thx Kenny Vaccaro! But if the anomaly Saints D – which hounded Matty Melting Ice all day, held the high-powered Falcons machine to 17 points, and saved the day – I can, at the very least quit, red meat cigars alcohol ok -swearing…at least for a few days.
½ Ass Football Joke from the 2012 season:
Did you hear about the new brand of Saints Cologne they marketed last year?
It’s cool. You wear it, and the other guy scores!
Moron #1: Von Mindless Miller, suspended player of the Denver Broncos was arrested in August for failure to appear in court for some traffic charges, specifically careless driving, driving without a license and w/o proof of insurance. Now according to CBS in Denver, Miller stopped once again by law enforcement last week for driving with a suspended license and speeding.
Moron #2.: Ndamukong Suh, just fined 100k for low block on Vikings John Sullivan. Suh man, I love ya but you are the new Dennis Rodman of the NFL. You blow your nose wrong and the Not For Long League will be on you like white on rice. No more nut kicking, body stomping, and now no more low blocks. This on behalf of an ex lineman with 3 knee ops and 10 needles for arthritis under my belt
Moron #3: Of course, Bucs Lavonte David. Self-explanatory.
The NFL has hooked Pepsi as a sponsor for the Super Bowl halftime show this year. Expect Pepsi, Pepsi Max, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Next, Pepsi water, Pepsi spaghetti and meatball, Pepsi women’s undergarments, Pepsi antacid to inundate mainstream media for the next 4 months. O’ joy, O’ bliss!
And of course with the announcement of Bruno Mars & Friend (sorry, Grammy winning Bruno Mars) is to entertain us during our pizza orgy, whilst players and coaches get rigamortis during the 4-hour halftime show, I am wearing a huge HAPPY hat! Look, Taylor “Tone-deaf” Swift has a Grammy. ‘Nuff said! Last year, SB halftime with Beyoncé’ generated 5 billion impressions. That’s more “pub” than the War in Iraq. Hey NFL, 2 words: FOO FIGHTERS!
And I ask: “Why now?” Why in the middle of the 1st week? “We wanted to start the conversation early,” says a Pepsi representative. Jesus Murphy, haven’t you learned from Honey Boo Boo and America’s Got Talent?
And apparently Pepsi has the rights to ALL players in uniform. I can see the bubbly being replaced a cornucopia of Pepsi products in the locker room, and of course a 2 litre of Pepsi Max being dumped on Terry Bradshaw’s bald head while handing out the Lombardi. His holy Commish wearing a Pepsi blazer on the podium, while guerilla marketing strategically place militant Coke drinkers photo bomb the entire trophy presentation.
Have you ever taken off your pants, laid on the carpet, flipped your legs up in the air, grabbed a cheese grater and coarsely rubbed it up and down the back of your legs until it was bleeding and raw? Then grabbed a bottle a Jack Daniels and poured it on the bleeding skin until you were screaming like a colic child? Well if you have not, try it this weekend before the Super Bowl Pepsi Bruno Mars white noise hits the football mainstream.
And with Beyoncé being announced in October, and her majesty Madonna in freakin’ December, this is the last thing I need to be rammed down my throat.
And to finish: The NFL has announced that “NFL Head Injury settlement money” is to be handed out by “INDIVIDUAL” NFL teams (more on this in the coming weeks).
Can’t you see it now? Ralph Wilson sets up shop with his nurses and accountants in a 10’x10’ in the Ralph Wilson parking lot. Dozens of Medi-Vans lining up in the parking lot – full of hobbled NFL vets, compounded by former NFL players in their BMW’S who had a nothing but a cup of coffee in the BIGS – one year practice squad types, all there to collect settlement checks like they were at the welfare office at 8am.
So w/o further adieu, I remind everyone “bacon makes everything better” (even Bruno Mars).
My gameday bacon recipe of the week:
Gridiron Chef “Doc”
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