Hey, you know what myth I am tired of? The myth that Canadians are the nicest people in the world. Malarkey, I say. I am pretty sure Canadians are the meanest, most disrespectful hypocrites of all time. I am not just saying this because two Canadian hockey teams amassed a record setting amount of penalties in just one game, but because it is true – and also because two Canadian teams amassed a record setting amount of penalties in just one game. In fact it’s so true, that I will prove it using advanced scientific methods.
For this social experiment, I will use hockey players as my subjects because it is a rather violent sport that involves many nations and sort of borders on the line of gentlemanly play and barbaric violence. The question is who excels at the barbaric violence?
Canadians.
This season, the two guys who got the most penalty minutes in the league were Colton Orr and Chris Neil. Guess where they are from? Canada. They also both lead the league in game misconducts, not really a thing that any nice person would lead the league in, right?
In fact seven out of the top ten players with the most penalty minutes are god damn Canadians. The other three are American, but we all know American just want to be like Canadians in hockey. They always try to prove that they are tough like John Wayne.
As soon as you start playing hockey in Canada you can fight. You literally can make a living by beating people up and some choose to do so, apparently. They are for all intents and purposes just big bullies who can’t score goals so they try to fight people and intimidate others from doing so – I actually think it’s in their contracts. Either that, or they are hopped up on something. Maple Syrup – its a hell of a drug.
One of the most hated players in the league is Matt Cooke, and just guess where he is from? Take a minute and Google it if you have to. Yeah, Canada – again. The second most hated player in hockey, Raffi Tores? Canada. This is getting old now. The most hated player, at least for me, in the history of hockey ever – Claude Percy Lemieux is, you guessed it, Canadian. Oh, and “Percy”? HA!
So, why the myth about them being nice? Just because they say sorry after beating the living life out of you?
You know who really are the nicest players in the NHL? Yes, it’s Russians.
I mean literally all they do is try to score goals, pass the puck and make a little bit of money while doing it. You know, play the game the way it was designed to be played a long time ago. Scoring goals is, after all, the purpose of the damn game, right? And you never saw a Russian hurt anyone, right? Don’t answer that – it’s rhetorical.
I mean this is what hockey between two Canadian teams looks like…
Sound “classy” hockey right there.
This is the picture of a nice clean good old Russian hockey player after an 82-game season:
This is what the best Canadian player looks like:
Yeah, he lost some teeth due to a puck, but he probably was going to fight someone anyway.
See, Russians are a peaceful people that like to drink some Vodka and score goals (in that order). All they do is make pretty plays that people enjoy watching. The Russian player with the most penalty minutes is Alexander Semin and he probably got most of his penalties by trying to defend himself from all of those Canadian bullies.
The one Russian player that actually had to drop the gloves is Alexei Emelin and that is only because he plays for the Canadiens and had a bit too much of the Grey Goose. He would probably have been sent to the AHL if he didn’t drop the gloves every once in a while.
Look at this guy, who I assume is some sort of a clown, praising fighting:
Nice guys, my ass.
In comparison here is a top tier elite, top three in the league unarguably, Russian goalie understanding that it is just a game and no one is here to give each other a black eye:
Let us look at another example of Canadas’ boys not being able to handle their liquor and not being able to keep their fists in their pockets. Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry got into a fight at a Finnish dance club after winning for gods sake and they get into zero trouble. While, two Russian bred players, release some stress due to playoff hockey with a few drinks one night and get suspended. There are many more examples of this violent behavior.
So, using common sense and science we can only come to only one conclusion; Canadians are violent and perhaps should be banned from Hockey. I think this is a gentlemen’s game and Canadians are anything but. If not Russians exclusively, then let’s at the very least embrace good European players like Daniel Alfredsson.
More Russians and less Canadians, is what I’m saying.
Happy Hour everyone, and cheers – even to the Hosers!
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