As a child of the nineties and early 2000s, films and TV taught me a lot about love and relationships that my parents and schools were too embarrassed to teach me.
Lots of films suggested as a man, I needed to be persistent. If she says no… just keep trying. Eventually, she will relent and love you. This is if you are a “good guy” of course. It’s a long game. And you do good things like stalking your beloved. Maybe even hire a PI to do it for you, like in Something About Mary. If you could be a bad guy, like John in The Breakfast Club, girls would love you faster.
Being mean apparently made them keen. Even Disney, with films like Beauty and the Beast, suggested kidnapping and Stockholm Syndrome as effective methods of relationship building.
Wrestling as pageantry and spectacle exaggerates cultural norms and attitudes. Wrestling amplified the messages taught to me by other media about love to eleven. Sometimes, it taught me even more.
Tongue in my Cheek
Please be aware, if you have not picked up from my tone already, that this article is satirical and ironic. The purpose of this is not just for fun but to highlight how media, especially wrestling, has presented an absurd and warped view of love and relationships. You should be aware that none of these examples and fictional characters are role models for real life.
So, as the warnings go, please do not try this at home, school, or anywhere.
And if I have missed any key lessons or storylines, please raise them in the comments.
With Time, She Will Love You
One of the first love stories of my fandom repeated many lessons I had seen in Hollywood films. On Raw, Christian and Chris Jericho began coming to the rescue of Trish Stratus and Lita. The reasoning: to be friends. Lie! TV has taught me that men and women being friends is impossible in the long term.
Yet the former world tag team champions and heels kept doing favours for Trish and Lita. When Lita was fired, the “creepy little b*stard” Christian cashed in favour with Raw GM Eric Bischoff to save Lita’s job.
Lita was having a tough time. She was on the rebound after Matt Hardy dumped her. Later, Jericho used his favour to save Trish from facing Kane instead of pursuing the World Heavyweight Championship. I just assumed this was the trope that a good girl can fix a bad guy. Like in 10 Things I Hate About You. Nope.
The pesky invisible camera cam caught Jericho and Christian’s real intentions. They were betting on who could sleep with their girl first. This was just a sexed-up version of She’s All That. The stakes: one dollar Canadian. Things fell apart as Trish also overheard, and the girls fought the boys at Armageddon.
But despite the objectifying “guy talk” where he called Trish “pathetic”, Jericho really had developed feelings for her. So, he pursued her and, in early 2004, won Trish’s heart! Happy ever after… More on this later.
I Can Be “Ugly” and Still Gain Love
Growing up, I had low self-esteem. I did not think I was an attractive young man. Wrestling gave me hope. If a wrestler who had severe burns and scars across his body could find love with multiple women over the years, so could I.
Kane’s nickname could be the “Big Red Love Machine”. Love has been weaved deeply into his dark, confusing, often retconned lore. Katie Vick, Tori, and Terri were there. “Chicks dig masks.” Given the number of women who fall in love with serial killers, Kane’s Mike Myers/Jason gimmick must have hit a sweet spot.
Yet, later, it was revealed that Kane experienced severe body dysmorphia when it turned out he was not horrifically scarred. His edge lord personality still helped him make love happen.
On Raw, 19th April 2004, Kane made his affections known to Lita. However, because Kane was no good with words or romantic gestures, he beat up Val Venis. Then, he cornered Lita to imply his affection. The next week, Kane made it more obvious by sniffing Lita’s hair. Could he have been clearer? Kane found he could get what he wanted by beating up Lita’s ex, Matt Hardy. It won him a kiss at first.
Weeks later, Kane had learnt from Triple H that kidnapping is an effective way to stop your potential partner from getting away. A WWE cameraman again watched on. Showing himself to be a fast learner, Kane threatened to destroy Matt Hardy’s neck with a chair to gain something else from Lita.
Eventually, Kane got Lita’s love. After he impregnated Lita, winning a match for the rights to become her husband, a forced marriage ceremony and a chair shot caused Lita to lose the baby. Love is achieved through immense personal trauma.
Friends Are Out to Stop You
Wrestling, like sports, is about being the best. It’s about achievement and individualism. This means when a wrestler falls in love with a co-worker, automatically, their friends will assume they are selfish, especially because it distracts from the friend’s personal goals for some reason.
Going back to Jericho and Trish’s relationship, Christian was not too thrilled. Christian pretended to befriend Trish by preventing Test from attacking her. Then, when GM (and enemy of love) Bischoff booked Christian to face Trish when Jericho was not in the building, Christian offered to do the gentlemanly thing.
Nope, he put Trish in the Walls of Jericho. Jealous, Christian gloated he gave Trish “tough love”. The two former friends would fight at Wrestlemania XX. More on this later.
Love facing the obstacle of family and friendship is a trope not exclusive to WWE. In AEW recently, the Romeo and Juliet-like nature of factions means not even two heels can have a relationship outside of their group. Why can’t Angelo Parker and Ruby Soho, two consenting adults, not be together?
Maybe Saraya does not want to lose another friend to a different kind of madness. What reason did Daddy Magic have to say no? The same logic that told him to tell Daniel Garcia to stop dancing. Yet, wasn’t their faction based around being sports entertainers? What’s more sports entertaining than love? Love makes even friends act crazy!
In the end, it doesn’t even matter when…
Even Love Turns Heel
In no other entertainment media are the characters constantly in danger of betrayal. Your own family might betray you. Look at The Bloodline story last year. How can you trust a partner?
In many of the previous (and the others to come) examples, the female turns their back on their partner.
Trish Stratus enjoyed the tough love. At Mania, Trish proved to be the proverbial “Jezebel” Jim Ross continues to call women who are treacherous. Trish slapped Jericho and passionately kissed Christian.
Lita, despite all the emotional Stockholm Syndrome bonding, betrayed her beast Kane betrayed for Edge. This must have been traumatic for Kane, who had to watch Tori make out with X-Pac, his best friend.
Do not get me wrong. The women also got cheated on and treated badly. Matt Hardy had dumped Lita before her romances with Christian and Kane. The reason? Lita wanted the women’s championship more than Matt. That is pretty insecure and pathetic. But the commentators did not make this point with the same vitriol as they did for the backstabbing women. Even when Eve Torres betrayed Zack Ryder, commentary did not shame John Cena for betraying a broski.
Do Not Get Married!
Weddings are a scam anyway. So were many wrestling weddings in the literal sense. Like soap opera weddings, wrestling weddings usually end in drama and without a happy ending. You are likely going to get swerved.
Maybe your bride was drugged, kidnapped and married while unconscious at a shady drive-through chapel. This fate befell Test when he was going to marry Stephanie McMahon. Even worse, his push ended after this ended. The wedding hurt his career prospects.
The marriage might be a scam anyway, but still, things go wrong. The Undertaker’s plot to marry Stephanie McMahon was still foiled by concerned do-gooder “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Rolls reversed; Stephanie tried to trick Triple H into renewing their vows in 2002 by lying about pregnancy. Stephanie had not learnt that the third time was not the charm. And even if you are both in on the scam, like Billy and Chuck, you might end up getting beaten down by the rival brand.
Yet, even worse, weddings might mean death. Several men have died or almost died getting married in the ring. Poor Al Wilson passed away on his honeymoon with Dawn Marie. Teddy Long had a heart attack induced by a performance-enhancing substance. But then these guys were old and, in storyline, lucky to have young brides.
There has also been attempted murder. In Impact Wrestling, John E. Bravo was shot before he could say I do to his bride, Rosemary. Bravo lived, and his attempted murderer, Taya Valkyrie, was rewarded with a WWE contract and a new identity in NXT. This cements that friends in wrestling will always stand in the way of love.
Conclusion
If you are or know any wrestlers out there who are thinking about getting into an on-screen relationship with a co-worker, please share this article with them.
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