Halloween Kills is the newest installment in the recent Halloween franchise reboot. The movie was released on October 15th in theatres and on Peacock. In the movie, Michael Myers dished out his usual slate of kills – some more brutal than others. This begs the question, how would Michael Myers hold up in a pro wrestling deathmatch?
If you have not seen some of Michael Myers’s kills in Halloween Kills yet, very slight spoilers ahead.
There was one scene where Myers yanked a light tube out from somebody’s kitchen, broke it over the counter, and impaled a woman in the neck with it. As the true journalist, I immediately thought about tweeting out “Michael Myers to GCW confirmed” – but held off in case I spoiled anything for the hottest company in wrestling. In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve chosen three opponents for Michael Myers if ever decided to take a different career path and venture into the world of deathmatch wrestling.
1. Nick “F’N” Gage
Depending on his lifespan, you’ve probably seen Michael Myers at a few different heights in your lifetime. If we go with 1978 Nick Gage and Myers are the same height. What a match this would be.
I know Gage isn’t anybody to mess with or anything like that, but I have to think that Myers would wreck him with ease. Myers moves around very slowly and never loses stamina, so I think the “King of This Stuff” would get blown up early on in the bout.
If Myers can mimic the likes of Hulk Hogan and give Gage a finger poke of doom (maybe a bit harder than Hogan did it, I mean he has the strength after all), I think he could pick up the win over New Jersey’s favorite deathmatch wrestler.
2. David Arquette
David Arquette has only done one deathmatch in his life, and well he almost died. Arquette is no stranger to dealing with massive horror flick serial killers. So why not match up with the best one that the film industry has to offer?
Myers would surely squash Arquette within seconds, and rightfully so. Myers picking up a win over the former WCW World Champion would surely warrant him a championship shot in the future. Right, Bischoff?
3. Big Sky/Gully Gaspar/Tyler Mane
Big Sky, a former WCW/NJPW/CMLL competitor, happens to be the actor who played Michael in the Rob Zombie remakes of Halloween in the late 2000s.
The original Michael should completely wipe the floor with this scrub, considering how awful those movies are. The former MGM Grand Champion (what even is that?) should take a brainbuster off the top rope, onto a pile of light tubes and bricks all to the tune of the hit song Dragula by Mr. Zombie himself.
Honorable Mentions: Abadon, The Undertaker, and The Fiend. Anything to quench my thirst for another horror villain vs. horror villain movie. Shout-out to Freddy Vs. Jason, the best movie ever made.
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