Don: Thanks for joining us as we prepare to announce College Football’s All-Time All-Name Team.
Jill: Has anyone ever done anything like this before?
Don: I’m not sure. How about these guys?
OFFENSE
Don: So, how about our quarterback pick? Gotta go with Cincinnati QB Munchie Legaux. I know that he was the backup in 2014, but that name is as good as it gets.
Jill: How’d he come by that nickname?
Don: Not sure, but I hope it has to do with food…
Jill: Get ready for this next pick. You’ve never heard a more unique name. Chris. Brown.
Don: Good choice. Chris Brown, USC freshman offensive tackle.
Jill: Nope!
Don: Oh right. Chris Brown, Oregon State running back.
Jill: Guess again.
Don: I don’t have all day.
Jill: Fine. Not the Chris Brown of Middle Tennessee or Kansas State, but the one and only person named Chris Brown on the Notre Dame roster, wide receiver Chris Brown.
Don: Moving on… We need another pass catcher, don’t we? I’m selecting Tennessee wide receiver Pig Howard.
Jill: That. Is. Fantastic.
Don: Isn’t it, though? Dude had no choice but to play in the SEC. Only way it could’ve been better is if he’d been recruited to Arkansas. What a missed opportunity.
Jill: Our fullback pick is Boomer Brock, a 5’10, 260 pound lump of man out of Buffalo.
Don: I only wish his name was Boomer BLock.
Jill: Touche.
Jill: Our right guard pick is Winthrop Homer of Boston College.
Don: Do you mean Win Homer?
Jill: I do! In fact, I applaud him for doing all he can do to Win.
Don: Ba-dum-dum.
Jill: Next up is Jerrod Gooch, our left guard pick out of Texas Tech.
Don: Woah there, Jill, this is a family show.
Jill: Speaking of PG-13 names, how about Marshall running back Chubb Small?
Don: According to the Marshall Football website, his legal name is Lenford Small, but he prefers to go by his nickname Chubb. Very brave.
Jill: I’m so excited to give you my tight end pick, Don. ::Giggles::
Don: Yeah?
Jill: Jake Butt. BUTT. And he’s a tight end! ::Convulses with childish laughter::
Don: I bet he’s never heard that joke before. Just like I’ve never heard…nevermind.
Jill: El. Oh. El. Sorry, I hadn’t thought about that… So, time for an intermission? Let’s watch a quick message from our sponsors.
DEFENSE
Don: We have to anchor our defensive line with an all-time All Name teamer: Barkevious Mingo. He also has two older brothers: Hughtavious and Hugh. I mean, wow.
Jill: I just… You’re right. Wow.
Don: Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Mingo, I’d like to have a word.
Jill: For some reason, the defensive line is an endless source of great given names. Jadeveon Clowney from South Carolina. Florida Atlantic’s Yourhighness Morgan. Gelo Orange (!) from Wake Forest. Cincinnati’s Silverberry Mouhon. The list goes on and on.
Don: Excellent point. There does seem to be something special about that position group. It is a hard list to top.
Jill: You know you’ve got a great name when you beat out the likes of Dusty Rust and Jimmy Johns.
Don: You’re right; Auburn Outside Linebacker Cassanova McKinzy is just the man for the job.
Jill: With a name like that, his parents must have extraordinary names!
Don: Uh, actually, their names are Joann and Charles. I guess that we all want our children to have what we didn’t. Even if it’s a ridiculous name.
Jill: Let’s move on to my inside linebacker pick. I was going to choose I-Perfection Harris, but I was afraid we’d get sued by Apple, so I went with Wonderful Terrific Monds II.
Don: I guess I’m most surprised by the fact that there is more than one person in this world named Wonderful Terrific Monds.
Jill: You’re right, Don. His father, also named Wonderful Terrific, played for the San Francisco 49ers. He thought it wise to name not one, but two of his children Wonderful Terrific. I know what you’re thinking: that’s pretty much the worst decision by a 49er since Jed York contemplated hiring Lane Kiffin.
Don: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is our free safety pick. What an amazing player, and wow, there’s a lot going on with that name.
Jill: I believe his legal name is Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix, though I have a hypothesis about the origin of the “Ha Ha” nickname. Like, “I just picked off your pass. Ha Ha, joke’s on you.”
Don: At strong safety, we have to choose former Navy defensive back Wave Ryder. If you’re going to be a Midshipman, it just doesn’t get better than that.
Jill: Doesn’t he have a brother with an interesting name also?
Don: Yup. Also went to Navy, and played center: Blaze Ryder. Those brothers virtually had their destinies preordained.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Jill: Our All-Name kicker is Pitt’s Chris Blewitt! It’s perhaps the most perfect name for a kicker, if only he played in the PAC-12.
Don: Ba-dum-dum. Ladies and gentlemen, she’ll be here all week. Please tip your waitstaff on the way out.
Jill: You know how teams go on the road and people say, “Well, I hope they packed their defense.”
Don: Yes.
Jill: Does anyone ever make a joke about packing your special teams?
Don: Perhaps if you’re talking about Old Dominion and Satchel Ziffer is your punter. OH EM GEE. PACK YOUR SATCHEL. I GET YOUR JOKE.
Jill: Mercury Hayes is my pick for punt returner.
Don: Of course he is, and that’s a great description of his running style: nothing but a haze of mercury streaming up the field.
Jill: Good one! And did you know that he was a 5th round pick out of Michigan in 1996, which is about 60 picks higher than Tom Brady went in 2000?
Don: If only Tom Brady had spent more time returning punts, there’s no telling how far he’d have gone.
Jill: Our kick returner is The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable, Terrall Brent Rushing out of Stanford.
Don: He goes by T.J. Rushing. By the way, ICWYDT. Nice LSJUMB reference. Well done.
Jill: You’re right, he does go by T.J., though I’m not sure why. Great name for a returner, though.
Don: Yup. I seem to remember a returner named “Rocket” too. Also pretty good. That makes me wonder… What would a pro football All Name Team look like? Hmmm…
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