Last year I came up with what I thought was a pretty spectacular and accurate list of “predictions” for the 2013-14 NHL season. While I may have slightly missed the mark on a few, such as the Kings bringing back the infamous “Burger King” jersey, as well as the Blues having a game of musical chairs between Jaroslav Halak, Brian Elliot, and Jake Allen for the two roster spots, I did accurately predict a couple, for example, that John Tavares would score many goals and mumble through just as many interviews with the Isles. This year though, you have my guarantee that at least half of these “predictions” will come true.
“NHL Predictions” for the 2014-15 Season
Anaheim Ducks: Playing on a line with Ryan Kesler, Dany Heatley rediscovers his “50 in ’07” scoring touch to net 56 goals….just kidding, he’ll score a grand total of nine.
Arizona Coyotes: Coyotes employees will return from summer with their fan polling results about the name change. 62% will say, “we have a hockey team?” The other 38% responded, “what the hell is hockey?”
Boston Bruins: It will be discovered that Tuukka Rask and tennis player Milos Raonic are indeed twins.
Buffalo Sabres: Zemgus Girgensons will stake claim to being the greatest Latvian hockey player of all-time, dethroning Sandis Ozolinsh.
Calgary Flames: They’re going to finish dead last in their division.
Carolina Hurricanes: See Calgary Flames.
Chicago Blackhawks: With Corey Crawford out with an injury, Antti Raanta will lead the Hawks to Game Seven of the Cup Final, but will lose. Crawford will still be blamed for the loss.
Colorado Avalanche: After a 7-1 loss mid-season to the Flames with the Avs fighting for a playoff spot, coach Patrick Roy will literally spontaneously combust on the bench.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Every time Boone Jenner scores a goal and continues to blossom into a star, Leafs management will shed a tear and curse Brian Burke for selecting Tyler Biggs over Jenner.
Dallas Stars: Looking for a fresh start as the Stars backup, Anders Lindback will be optimistic at the beginning of the campaign. By seasons end, he will be released and in a goalie counseling group led by Vesa Toskala and Rick DiPietro.
Detroit Red Wings: Two Europeans you have never heard of before will help push the Wings into the playoffs yet again.
Edmonton Oilers: Nail Yakupov will abandon the team after a trainer takes ‘YAKUPOV’ off his jersey and replaces it with ‘BUST.’
Florida Panthers: Roberto Luongo gives Don Cherry an ultimatum: “If you call me Lulongo again, something bad will happen to Blue.” Luongo will be supported by Milan Lucic and Kevin Bieksa.
Los Angeles Kings: Corsi/Fenwick lovers will gush over Anze Kopitar being atop the league in the puck possession stats yet again. When asked about it, Kopitar will respond, “What’s Corsi?,” causing advanced stats lovers everywhere to be incredibly hurt.
Minnesota Wild: After saying he’s 100% just before the season starts, Niklas Backstrom will injure his knee and be finished for the year after stepping out of bed the next day.
Montreal Canadiens: With Andrei Markov being named captain over P.K. Subban, the people of Montreal riot over a Russian captain, making the Richard Riot look tame. Hundreds will be injured with $10 million in damage being done to the Bell Centre.
Nashville Predators: New Pred James Neal will leave the team after falling head over heels for country singer Taylor Swift. They will have a hit duet song, though Swift will breakup with him after a month.
New Jersey Devils: Backup Keith Kinkaid will perform superbly and be rewarded with a long-term deal. He will battle Cory Schneider for the #1 spot, but it will be resolved when Schneider is traded to Winnipeg.
New York Islanders: Owner Charles Wang will proudly unveil a plaque on the Nassau Coliseum that reads, “Worst Arena in Hockey.” The reasoning according to Wang: “Hey, at least we can be first at something.”
New York Rangers: With the team slumping late in the season, Mike Kostka reveals that he is indeed superhero Thor, and uses his super powers to push the Rangers into the playoffs.
Ottawa Senators: Struggling both on and off the ice and trying to forget about losing Daniel Alfredsson and Jason Spezza, the Senators change their official slogan to: “Hey, come buy a ticket, at least we still have Erik Karlsson!”
Philadelphia Flyers: After losing a game of Connect Four to brother Brayden, Luke Schenn refuses to be on a team with his bro and demands a trade. He is shipped to the Islanders for Travis Hamonic.
Pittsburgh Penguins: With another disappointing playoff, Pens fans become so fed up with Marc-Andre Fleury, they tie him to a chair and put him on a train out of town, a la The Simpsons episode with the real Seymour Skinner.
St. Louis Blues: The Blues finally break through and capture that elusive Stanley Cup…then GM Doug Armstrong wakes up from that dream to see the Blues being bounced in the first round by the Stars.
San Jose Sharks: Joe Thornton scores four goals in a game and makes due on his promise from last year after Tomas Hertl’s outburst. After whipping out his, well, you know what, Thornton is suspended indefinitely and arrested for public indecency.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Ben Bishop wins the Vezina…okay, this one may actually come true.
Toronto Maple Leafs: Assistant GM Kyle Dubas resigns in November because he is sick of hearing the lame Moneyball/Moneypuck phrases. The Leafs decide to go in the complete opposite direction and resurrect Punch Imlach from the grave to pair with GM Dave Nonis.
Vancouver Canucks: Henrik and Daniel Sedin reveal that they are indeed aliens from a distant planet.
Washington Capitals: Alex Ovechkin will make racist/controversial remarks in a post-game scrum. When a reporter asks if Ovie is serious, Ovechkin replies with, “I SWEAR GOD!” Hilarity ensues from the reply and all is forgotten.
Winnipeg Jets: With the weather at a crisp -21 degrees Celsius and the Jets struggling due to Ondrej Pavelec’s poor netminding, Mathieu Perreault asks himself, “Why the hell did I sign here?”
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