19 days are all that remain between now and the start of the 2014 Major League Soccer season. That alone may explain the title of this week’s Wins Column.
But there is more to it. This past week we saw one of the most idiotic goal celebrations in recent memory when an amateur Italian player pulled a Zidane on the shelter covering his team’s bench. Valentine’s Day Friday was quite probably the most worked-up 14th of February in human history, with comical e-cards becoming a big hit on social media. In other MLS news, D.C. United unveiled their new home jersey, while convincingly legitimate logo and jersey concept designs for David Beckham’s future expansion team in Miami were leaked.
In short, there has have been lots of things worth celebrating recently. And to honour that, I have compiled ten of my favourite goal celebrations from MLS from the past few seasons.
I have judged each goal by four equally-weighted criteria: celebration originality (O), “wow” factor of the celebration (WF), quality of the goal (Q), and greater context (C). Each of these are scored out of five, for a maximum celebration score of 20 points.
Keep in mind that a lot of stars would have to align for a player to score a perfect 20 based on my scoring system. An 18 (the score of my highest ranking celebration) is pretty much as close to perfect as one can get.
Unless this year’s World Cup is won on a second half stoppage-time golazo and the entire team breaks out the greatest choreographed dance since Thriller.
But until that happens, enjoy my MLS celebration rankings!
10. Gordon! Gordon!: Alan Gordon and teammates, June 29, 2013
O: 1, WF: 2, Q: 3, C: 5, Total: 11
This game was the epitome of the “Goonies Never Say Die” mantra of the 2012 and 2013 San Jose Earthquakes teams. Down by two against their archrivals heading into second half stoppage-time, the ‘Quakes scored twice to grab the win. Gordon’s was the second, and it sent the 50 000 fans at Stanford Stadium into delirium.
9. Around and Around We Go: Darlington Nagbe, March 31, 2012
O: 2, WF: 2, Q: 4, C: 4, Total: 12
As the commentators say, this game was Darlington Nagbe’s coming out party. Nagbe’s second was a special strike that gave the Timbers a lead which they would ultimately throw away. If only I had factored in the reaction of head coaches into my scoring; the look on John Spencer’s face would have put this celebration at the top.
8. No Love Lost: Darren Mattocks, July 11, 2012
O: 1, WF: 1, Q: 5, C: 5, Total: 12
Of all the games I could have missed in my six years as a Toronto FC season ticket holder. One of the most memorable matches in the history of both clubs was tied late on by this sensational towering header by Mattocks. But it was not to be in the end, as former Whitecap Terry Dunfield won it for Toronto minutes later. My pick for 2012’s Goal of the Year.
7. Show’s Over Folks: Robbie Keane, August 17, 2013
O: 2, WF: 4, Q: 4, C: 3, Total: 13
Robbie Keane carried the LA Galaxy in 2013. The goal was pretty and it came against a recent postseason rival. But I keep context at a three just because Keane’s hat-trick sealing goal had no real impact on the game’s outcome. But the Vince Carter-esque “It’s Over” gesture after the flips was a nice addition.
6. The Robot Chicken: Dwayne De Rosario, August 29, 2012
O: 2, WF: 3, Q: 4, C: 4, Total: 13
Really solid goal from De Rosario, but Nick DeLeon’s incredible lobbed pass from inside his own half is what really makes this goal stand out. De Rosario has had other nice goals, but the one he scored to join the century club will always stand out in my mind.
5. Tim-KO: Tim Cahill, May 19, 2013
O: 2, WF: 3, Q: 3, C: 5, Total: 13
The third straight MLS legend to score a 13, Cahill has been one of my personal favourite players for years now. He might be small, but his magic head has always been counted on to get the job done. A scrappy goal, but the magnitude of the fixture and the fact that the goal came at the death keeps this one in my rankings.
4. Roweing the Boat: Kelyn Rowe and teammates, August 25, 2013
O: 4, WF: 3, Q: 4, C: 3, Total: 14
This celebration may one day become as iconic as celebrations 5-7. Similar situation to Nagbe in that in this game he scored twice. Rowe is also eerily similar to Nagbe in that he too was overlooked by the Vancouver Whitecaps on draft day. Either way, Kelyn Rowe will be the next Landon Donovan. He is that good.
3. The Irish Jig : Kei Kamara and C.J. Sapong, March 17, 2012
O: 5, WF: 5, Q: 4, C: 2, Total: 16
This is the only celebration is this list that featured props. An excellent team goal by Sporting, but early in the season against a team who at that point wasn’t expected to do well takes away from the point total.
2. Sporting Slowmo : Kei Kamara and teammates, April 7, 2012
O: 5, WF: 5, Q: 4, C: 3, Total: 17
The guys down in Kansas City sure know how to celebrate. Kamara, Sapong, and Co. outdo their jig with an unbelievable slow-motion celebration. Two things that make this one world-class: there are FIVE players that do it who are on camera, and they do it so well that you think your computer is lagging. Outstanding work from SKC.
1. Dive! Dive! Dive! : Roger Levesque, June 24, 2011
O: 5, WF: 5, Q: 3, C: 5, Total: 18
Roger Levesque never really stood out at the MLS level having become a Sounders legend in the lower leagues. But this celebration was truly mind-blowing. It was simple, creative, and sealed the victory in a huge matchup. It was also the first game in which the upper decks of seating at CenturyLink Field were opened up, which makes the occasion even more special. If he hadn’t been gifted the goal, this would be 20/20.
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