Bills IQ, Big 'South Beach' Money, Browner Pastures, and Peyton's $40 Million Check-up

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The NFL is a smorgasbord of awesome storylines.  Some are analytical, others are critical, and some are just down right stupid.  It’s the stupid ones I live for – they make my day.  Welcome to QuickSlant.

Like you, I peruse headlines and tickers in search of the stories written by credible writers who have some form of credentials and at least a few real “inside sources”.  After all, the NFL is a serious business requiring serious reporting.  I also like to have a little fun, which is why I created Quick Slant. At its core, this column is my way of sharing with you the headlines from around the NFL that I feel are most interesting.  I try to offer my own take on the story in as few words as possible – some of us have a wife, kids and a job and don’t have time to read 5000+ word novels!  So, without further ado, I give you today’s version of Quick Slant:

 

Deadspin.com aired a recording of Bills GM Buddy Nix in conversation with Bucs GM Mark Dominick. The word is that two 20-year olds called Buddy, leaving him Dominick’s phone number.  He called it, and eventually they patched him through to an unsuspecting Dominick.  I for one applaud the ingenuity.  We’re told the conversation sounded like a cross between Hee-Haw and Dallas……Speaking the Bills, the team has parted ways with Ryan Fitzpatrick.  The only downside is that team’s average IQ just dropped 20 points.  More concerning for Bills fans should be the loss of guard Andy Levitre who leaves a hole in the offensive line…….So it looks like the ‘Fins are looking to make a splash. Oh, horrible pun. Sorry. The team has signed Mike Wallace for 5 years, $60mill ($30mill guaranteed). Hey, maybe you haven’t heard but Mike Wallace is fast!  Thank G I don’t have to hear about that anymore.  Miami wasn’t done as they signed Dannell Ellerbe for $35mill over 5 years, and Phillip Wheeler for $26 million for 5 years ($13mill guaranteed).  My, life must be fruitful in South Beach!……So I guess now is the time to discuss the ship-jumping out of Baltimore. Of course you know about Anquan Boldin being dished for a sixth bloody round draft pick.  Hell, I might go sixth round this year.  Added to Ellerbe and Boldin, Paul Kruger has left for Browner pastures, there is doubt on where Ed Reed is going to play, and of course we have seen Ray Lewis‘ End of Days. But at least they have Joe Flacco. Oh dear……All Peyton Manning had to do was pass a physical and be on the Broncos roster as of today for him to make $20 million each of the next two seasons.  I got a physical for work last fall and paid $8 for parking. If only my dad were Archie Manning – and an ass……It looks like 59-year old tight end Tony Gonzalez is gonna have another go with the Dirty Birds this year, after most assumed he was already wearing socks and sandals.  Go get em, Tony.  I just hope he can still dunk on the back FG posts……Hey, when the hell did Wes Welker become a goat? Seriously, this guy was a great possession receiver last year.  He’s still got a few years left (31 yrs old), yet some are wondering if he doesn’t sign soon that the Pats will go elsewhere…….The New York Jets signed David Garrard to compete for the starting job with Mark Sanchez, what, was Cleo Lemon unavailable?…. So let’s end with the big trade that happened yesterday – Percy Harvin for the Seahawks’ first round pick (#25), a seventh rounder, and a third round pick next year.  Percy Harvin and Richard Sherman together?  Get your popcorn ready!

 

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