With the league deciding not to televise or release the results of the upcoming NBA All-Star draft, we can only imagine how the selection of the starters would go. Let\u2019s do that.<\/p>\n
As the leaders in votes for their respective conferences, LeBron James<\/a><\/strong> and Stephen Curry<\/a><\/strong> are our captains, each standing on opposite sides of the NBA on TNT set. The other eligible starters \u2013 Kyrie Irving<\/a><\/strong>, DeMar DeRozan<\/a><\/strong>, Giannis Antetokounmpo<\/a><\/strong>, Joel Embiid<\/a><\/strong>, James Harden<\/a><\/strong>, Kevin Durant<\/a><\/strong>, Anthony Davis<\/a><\/strong>, and DeMarcus Cousins<\/a><\/strong> \u2013 are lined up across from James and Curry, playground style. Without further ado, here\u2019s our host, Ernie Johnson.<\/p>\n EJ: Welcome to the first ever NBA All-Star draft. You all know the rules, but let\u2019s just remind the captains. There\u2019ll be 30 seconds on the clock for each pick, and the draft will be in snake format. And, in honor of the greatest snake of them all, we\u2019ll let his teammate Steph have the first pick. But before that, each of the captains is welcome to share some opening words. Perhaps a Bible verse, if you so choose.<\/p>\n Curry: You waste no time at all with the cheap shots, huh, Ernie? I guess that\u2019s what Barkley\u2019s been whining about. Anyway, I\u2019d just like to start off by apologizing to the fans for last year\u2019s All-Star weekend. I know I missed a lot of half-court shots, but I am in no way pro-cancer, as some have made me out to be in recent months.<\/p>\n EJ: LeBron, anything to add?<\/p>\n James: Yeah, I\u2019m just excited. I\u2019ve always wanted to be a GM, have an influence on draft picks and trades. It\u2019s something I\u2019ve never really gotten a chance to do. This\u2019ll be a lot of fun.<\/p>\n DeRozan: Ya\u2019ll better not let me get picked last. I ain\u2019t about that.<\/p>\n (Curry and James share a slightly terrified glance.)<\/p>\n Curry: Believe it or not, I was always getting picked last myself back in the day.<\/p>\n Embiid: Yeah, because you\u2019re a skinny midget. (Everyone laughs uncomfortably)<\/p>\n E.J: Alright, let\u2019s get to down to business. LeBron, you have the first pick.<\/p>\n James: No, I don\u2019t. Steph does.<\/p>\n EJ: LeBron, you received the most overall fan votes, which means-<\/p>\n James: I know, Ernie, but I traded it. Steph has the first pick now.<\/p>\n EJ: You traded it? For what?<\/p>\n James: Oracle Arena\u2019s unlimited supply of Twix. They always have these mini Twix bars in the locker room, and they\u2019re pretty damn good. So, I got \u2018em for the rest of my NBA career.<\/p>\n EJ: And Steph, you agreed to this trade?<\/p>\n Curry: Yeah, I\u2019ve always been more of a Milky Way kind of guy.<\/p>\n (EJ looks from Curry\u2019s face to James\u2019. LeBron nods.)<\/p>\n EJ: Well, alright, I guess it\u2019s settled. Steph, you have the first pick. And no, Chuck \u2013 if you\u2019re out there watching \u2013 Allen Iverson<\/a><\/strong> is not eligible for selection<\/a>.<\/p>\n Curry: I\u2019ma go with KD.<\/p>\n EJ: I can\u2019t say I\u2019m surprised. Kevin, anything to say in advance of All-Star weekend?<\/p>\n (As he walks over to join Curry by his side, Durant keeps his head is buried in his phone, furiously typing. He seems to be getting angrier as he types, and he\u2019s oblivious to everything that\u2019s been going on around him.)<\/p>\n EJ: Kevin?<\/p>\n Durant: What? Oh, sorry, I was just, uh, texting.<\/p>\n (Durant\u2019s phone starts blaring.)<\/p>\n Curry: What\u2019s with all the Twitter notifications, Kev?<\/p>\n EJ: You know what, let\u2019s just move on.<\/p>\n Curry: Are you\u2026? Kev, I told you to stop-<\/p>\n EJ: LeBron, you\u2019ve got the next two picks.<\/p>\n James: Alright, Ernie. Let me get my boy, Yah-niss Ade-do-koon-bo.<\/p>\n EJ: Have you been practicing that pronunciation? I\u2019m not sure I\u2019ve even got it down that well.<\/p>\n James: Well Ernie, I\u2019ve got to stay busy when I\u2019m not playing basketball. We don\u2019t practice, J.R. [Smith] broke the Nintendo Switch<\/a>, and I finished reading The Hunger Games<\/em><\/a> years ago.<\/p>\n EJ: Giannis, what do you have to say about starting in your second consecutive All-Star Game?<\/p>\n Antetokounmpo: Man, seeing all these stars up here on the big stage, I\u2019m just happy the fans don\u2019t hate me yet.<\/p>\n (All 27 Milwaukee Bucks fans wince somewhere in suburban Wisconsin as they hear the word \u201cyet.\u201d)<\/p>\n EJ: And on that note, LeBron, you have another pick now.<\/p>\n James: Hmm\u2026give me Kyrie.<\/p>\n (Silence.)<\/p>\n (More silence.)<\/p>\n (A bit more silence.)<\/p>\n James: What\u2019s the problem? We need a playmaker.<\/p>\n EJ: Kyrie, do you have any comments about this shocking turn of events?<\/p>\n Irving: I\u2019m not saying that the commissioner set this up, but I\u2019m not saying he didn\u2019t<\/em> set this up, you know what I mean?<\/p>\n EJ: I\u2019m not sure I do.<\/p>\n Irving: Let me break it down for you, Ernie. You see, the perpetual colloquialism of the omnipotent legislator is causing an enigmatic constitutionality that calls Adam Silver\u2019s conscientious foundations into question. We can\u2019t just accept what we\u2019re told. Do your own research, you feel me?<\/p>\n EJ: Alright, um, let\u2019s move back to Steph. You\u2019ve already got your teammate, Kevin Durant, and now you\u2019ve got two more picks. DeMar DeRozan, Joel Embiid, James Harden, Anthony Davis, and DeMarcus Cousins are still on the board.<\/p>\n Curry: I’ma be straight up with you, Ernie. DeMar scares me. Vince Staples wouldn’t lie<\/a>. I choose DeMar.<\/p>\n (DeRozan discreetly flashes what seems to be some kind of hand signal, then walks over to join Curry and Durant.)<\/p>\n EJ: DeMar, what does it mean to you to represent Canada\u2019s team in this game for a fourth time?<\/p>\n DeRozan:\u00a0I love it, man. It\u2019s unreal to me. But we\u2019ve got to show up in the playoffs. We\u2019ve got to make people question\u00a0Jae Crowder<\/a><\/strong>\u2019s\u00a0manhood this time around. Also, I only got picked fourth? FOH.<\/p>\n EJ: Steph, give us your next pick.<\/p>\n Curry: Nicknames are important, Ernie. Everyone calls \u2018Bron the \u201cKing.\u201d What else is the king? The lion. And who fought lions in Africa? Joel Embiid.<\/p>\n EJ: Steph, you do know that he didn\u2019t actually-<\/p>\n Curry: I\u2019m taking the Twitter god, Ernie.<\/p>\n EJ: So, Joel, this will be your first All-Star Game, in just your second season in the league. What\u2019s on your mind right now?<\/p>\n Embiid: As I said on the night of the starters announcement<\/a>, I have moved on from Rihanna. Can you slide into Cardi B\u2019s DMs for me? I want to date her now.<\/p>\n EJ: Joel, I don\u2019t think-<\/p>\n (EJ stops mid-sentence, trembling slightly, as Embiid glares down at him. Embiid breaks into a huge grin.)<\/p>\n Embiid: Nah, I\u2019m just playing with you, Ernie. I haven\u2019t moved on from Rihanna.<\/p>\n EJ: Speaking of moving on, we\u2019re down to our final three picks. LeBron, you\u2019ve got to choose two out of Boogie, The Brow, and The Beard. What are you thinking?<\/p>\n James: I\u2019m thinking these mans need some better nicknames.<\/p>\n EJ: Oh, come on, \u2018Bron, you don\u2019t like Boogie? And the beard, it\u2019s an iconic form of facial-<\/p>\n James: Just stop it, Ernie. You\u2019re embarrassing yourself. Anyway, I need some defense and physicality. I know it\u2019s an All-Star Game, but I haven\u2019t had that stuff in two years.<\/p>\n EJ: Ah, yes, I\u2019ve heard that Timofey Mozgov<\/a><\/strong> is dearly missed in Cleveland.<\/p>\n James: Let me get AD and DeMarcus, the Bash Bros. That\u2019s their new nickname. We\u2019re not calling them anything else from now on.<\/p>\n EJ: LeBron, not to criticize, but are you sure you don\u2019t want to go with James Harden, arguably the leader of the 2018 MVP race thus far? I\u2019m not quite sure how he\u2019s even fallen to this point in the draft.<\/p>\n LeBron: Ernie, everyone has a role to play. Let the GM do his job, and you do yours. I don\u2019t like when other people try to interfere with a job that they\u2019re clearly not cut out for, you know? Stop trying to find a way to fit out and just fit in. Be a part of something special! Just my thoughts.<\/p>\n EJ: OK then. Well, we don\u2019t quite have time for Anthony and DeMarcus to give their thoughts, but I do want to let Steph have his final pick, who will inevitably be James Harden. Steph, anything to say about the NBA\u2019s leading scorer falling into your hands with the last selection?<\/p>\n Curry: If I could just call up Klay and see-<\/p>\n EJ: It’s in the rules that you must-<\/p>\n Curry: Yeah, I know, but-<\/p>\n EJ: Steph-<\/p>\n Curry: Best two-way shooting-<\/p>\n EJ: Steph Curry selects James Harden to round out his team! James, are you surprised at all that you were selected last?<\/p>\n Harden: Surprised? No, not at all.<\/p>\n EJ: Really? And why\u2019s that?<\/p>\n Harden: Well, when you\u2019re compared to famous tyrants and dictators all the time, you kind of get used to-<\/p>\n EJ: How about we just-<\/p>\n Harden: Well, the point is, I don\u2019t mind. I mean, everybody hates Chris, too.<\/p>\n Davis: Didn\u2019t that show end in, like, 2009?<\/p>\n Harden: No, I mean-<\/p>\n EJ: I think James is saying that his 10.4 free throw attempts per game over the last five years have been worth it. Let\u2019s leave it at that. Now, I want to get some final thoughts from our captains. Steph, anything that stands out to you?<\/p>\n Curry: Well, I always hoped I\u2019d get a chance to play with Harden.<\/p>\n (Everyone looks around, wondering whether the last three minutes of discussion just happened. James loudly snorts air out of his nose.)<\/p>\n Curry: What?<\/p>\n James: Bruh.<\/p>\n Curry: Are you calling me a liar?<\/p>\n James: I ain\u2019t callin\u2019 you a truther.<\/a><\/p>\n (Everyone starts to get riled up, yelling and jawing with each other. The camera briefly zooms in on James\u2019 closed fist by his side, then pans to EJ. The trash talk continues in the background as EJ raises his voice to be heard.)<\/p>\n EJ: So, I guess that wraps up the 2018 NBA All-Star draft! From all of the NBA on TNT crew, I\u2019m Ernie Johnson. Have a good night!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Main Photo:Imagining the 2018 NBA All-Star Draft: Starters Edition<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\nEmbed from Getty Images<\/a>