Great to be here. I’m actually pretty proud of myself: I was able to get someone to buy my Trent Richardson Cleveland jersey on Craigslist. Apparently, the buyer said he “ran out of toilet paper”. With that in mind, here’s what everyone’s talking about from the world of sports:
NFL: ANARCHY IN THE UK
The NFL makes its return to London as the Vikings and Steelers do battle at Wembley Stadium on Sunday. Both teams are 0-3, which means they have as many wins as the Royal family has dental plans.
I don’t really think the NFL is catching on in London. I mean, the only time men in tight pants handle oddly-shaped balls is when there’s a party at Elton John’s house.
Speaking of losers, for the first time in nearly twenty years, the Giants have started the season 0-3. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, Tom Coughlin wasn’t in diapers yet.
The once-vaunted Redskins are also 0-3. I haven’t seen this much underperforming in Washington since the last time Congress tried to agree on something.
Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones reportedly suffered a head injury after a stripper named Sweet Pea hit him on the head with a champagne bottle. She’s looking at a hefty fine for illegal contact on a defenseless receiver.
You can’t really blame Jones that much. He’s been out since Week 1, so when he heard there’d be strippers on the bus, he thought he might finally have a chance to catch something.
The Jaguars have instituted a promotion where you get a couple of free beverages with a purchase of a ticket. They’re the only NFL team ever whose fans need a two-drink minimum.
The Oakland Raiders unveiled a ridiculous new mascot this week. His head is about five times the size of his body. The weird part? Fans immediately mistook him for Barry Bonds.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO – KINGS EDITION
ESPN Magazine recently named the NBA’s Sacramento Kings the worst franchise in pro sports. Honestly, I think that’s probably the nicest review the Jaguars have read all year.
In even more embarrassing basketball news, newly-minted Pistons guard Brandon Jennings was punch by rapper The-Game at his own birthday in a LA nightclub. This just proves what I’ve been saying all summer – Detroit’s frontcourt won’t give him nearly enough protection.
The Miami Heat will open their training camp in the Bahamas next week. Turns out trading Chris Bosh for a group rebate from Travelocity was a great idea.
EXIT SANDMAN
In a bittersweet moment, Mariano Rivera played his final game at Yankee Stadium. Team brass bestowed the closer with the highest of honors: his own private seat in the senior’s lounge.
In more New York baseball news, a Yankees fan recently lost his job to keep his 40-year-old attendance streak alive. Brian Cashman says that his team can learn something from this man about showing up on a consistent basis.
The Tampa Bay Rays could be the first-ever playoff team to finish last in the majors in attendance. When I read that, I was shocked – I didn’t even know Tampa Bay still had a team.
Both the Athletics and the Rays are supposedly interested in moving to other cities, but their lease agreements don’t expire for years. If they want advice on ending a long-term commitment that’s become just about money, they should go ask Kris Humphries.
Also, Dodgers radio legend Vin Scully is against the city of Los Angeles naming a street after him. He’d rather see the civic money go to the Yasiel Puig School of Clubhouse Etiquette.
SAVE YOUR ENERGY FOR THE NEXT FIGHT BOYS!
Brendan Shanahan doled made sure to discipline players after the Leafs-Sabres preseason brawl. He’s suspended David Clarkson, fined Ron Rolston, and told Phil Kessel to rest until the preseason is done so he can be ready for the first Hockey Night in Canada broadcast of the year.
Things are really looking up for Kessel. Rumor is he’ll be cast as the lead in next year’s Paul Bunyan remake.
PULLING A FAST ONE IN FRANCE
Sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted crashing a wedding in Paris. He may be the fastest man in the world, but one of the bridesmaids still beat him to the buffet table.
AND FINALLY …
Former Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush has publicly defended Barack Obama’s growing habit of playing golf. Bush added that playing golf is a lot like being president: it’s just a journey broken up with frustration and guys who can’t do math good.
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