Just like a GOP candidate who enters a menswear store that doesn’t sell tan suits to presidents, it’s great to be here this week. In case you missed them, here are the stories that have been making headlines recently from the world of professional sports:
FOS Sept 4 by Cmd Beaker on Mixcloud
NFL Beginnings
NFL football resumes regular season play this weekend. It’s that glorious time of year where grown men get to sit back, relax and ignore their families every Sunday.
Vegas odds-makers have the Denver Broncos as the preseason favourites to win the Super Bowl this year. If that were to happen, it would be one of the biggest turnarounds in professional sports since
The league has suspended Broncos receiver Wes Welker for four games after he used amphetamines while at the Kentucky Derby. It’s an important moment for the NFL, because this means that players who pop Molly merit a longer suspension than those who pop their wives named Molly in the face.
In his defence, Welker is claiming that the league’s drug testing is “flawed”. Apparently, they weren’t able to detect the huge amount of cocaine he also had in his system.
Here’s some good news coming out of California: Raiders ownership is inching closer to signing a deal for a new pro football stadium to be built in the city of Oakland. Now the bad news: they still haven’t figured out how they can put something resembling a pro football team in that stadium.
MLB Farewells
We’re into the final stretch run of the baseball season. Or, as non-Yankees fans are calling it, “only one more month left of these goddamn Derek Jeter farewell ceremonies”.
When Jeter’s jersey is retired, I wonder who he’s going to thank in his acceptance speech. I’m guessing it will be George Steinbrenner for drafting, Joe Torre for managing him for so long, and all of his one-night stands for making other men insanely jealous.
Mo’ne Davis, the first female player to throw a shutout at the Little League World Series, served up the first pitch at Dodger Stadium Tuesday night. She threw a perfect strike, which means she’s done something that no one on the Rockies’ pitching staff has ever done.
A 93-year-old and his wife are travelling to see every single Giants’ road game this year. Their favourite part of the trip so far? Using their age as an excuse to get an incredible parking spot at Wrigley Field.
NHL Hoaxes
A report surfaced Wednesday morning that Penguins star Sidney Crosby had been arrested in Ottawa. The story turned out to be completely false, which makes perfect sense – after all, if you know anything about Canadian politics, all the best lies usually come out of Ottawa.
Let’s be honest: did anyone actually think that Crosby would run afoul with the law? That would be like Jennifer Lawrence praising the impenetrable security of Apple’s iCloud.
Rumours are swirling that Russian superstars Alex Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin might defect to the KHL as early as next year. I find this kind of surprising – I mean, if the events in Ukraine have taught us anything, it’s that Russian only think about leaving when a cease-fire is being negotiated.
Predators forward Mike Fisher and wife Carrie Underwood are expecting their first child. The couple aren’t sure yet whether it’s a boy or a girl, but one thing is certain: he or she will grow up to be the smoothest-skating country singer this world has ever seen.
The Bakersfield Condors of the ECHL will wear jerseys inspired by the “puffy shirt” of Seinfeld fame. As a source of feedback, the team is asking fans to rate this promotional idea on a scale of 1 to “sponge worthy”.
NBA Fighters
Current WBO champion Manny Pacquiao worked out at the Golden State Warriors training facility this week. The boxer also invited Floyd Mayweather to come out and play some one-on-one, but unfortunately he had to decline because of commitments to his weekly book club.
Tracy McGrady has been working out with Kobe Bryant this summer. According to McGrady, the workouts consisted of intense cardiovascular exercises and watching Kobe not pass the ball to him.
Air Jordan has put out a new pair of Ferarri-themed red suede shoes. The company says it’s perfect for buyers who didn’t think they looked like enough of a douche wearing red suede shoes with a prancing horse on them.
In a recent interview with a Manhattan magazine, Deron Williams says he’s not a huge fan of living in such a big city. He wishes New York was more like Utah, which I’m assuming means there aren’t enough Osmonds living there.
EPL Spending
During the summer transfer window, British club Manchester United spent the equivalent of $247 million acquiring new players. The last time that much money was being spent remodelling something that was old and tired, Bruce Jenner was only on his fourth facelift.
AND FINALLY …
Here’s a fun video to end off your work week – the kind of center the Los Angeles Clippers have long coveted!
For the latest sports injury news, check out our friends at Sports Injury Alert.
Thank you for reading. Please take a moment to follow me on Twitter – @afishcalledmatt. Support LWOS by following us on Twitter – @LastWordOnSport – and “liking” our Facebook page.
