Great to be back again this week. Here’s a recap of the week that was in the world of pro sports:
MLB PLAYOFF PICTURE GETTING SMALLER
The St. Louis Cardinals are off to their third consecutive NLCS, beating Pittsburgh in five games. True to form, Pirates fans are already blaming the loss on Sid Bream.
The Dodgers will match up with the Cardinals in the NLCS. They’re hoping their league-high $216 million payroll can buy them a World Series win, and some phonics lessons for Magic Johnson.
There are now rumors that the Detroit Tigers might trade Cy Young favorite Max Scherzer in the offseason. The reason: he’s reportedly asked for a bigger buffet table than Miguel Cabrera.
The Chicago Cubs are narrowing their focus in their search for a new manager. According to team officials, the ideal candidate should have a wealth of experience, a facility with young players, and a good pair of garden shears to keep that wall ivy in order.
Honestly, how high could the expectations be for the new Cubs manager? It’s literally been 105 years since someone in that position said something other than “Better luck next year”.
NHL WELCOMES THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA HERTL
As an NHL rookie, Tomas Hertl is in an enviable position. He leads all first-year players in scoring, he has spiked in Internet popularity, and Joe Thornton can’t keep it in his pants when talking about him.
Yes, Joe Thornton said that he would literally expose himself and “stroke his organ” if he scored four goals in a game. I can’t tell if this is a joke or the plot of the new Slap Shot movie written by the Basic Instinct scribes.
If Thornton were to do this, however, he would get a stiff reaction from the crowd. It would definitely be hard to un-see (okay, I’m done now).
In other NHL news, Flyers coach Peter Laviolette was fired after three games this season. The only thing shorter than his tenure with the Flyers this year will be the trick-or-treat line outside the Sandusky residence.
I made fun of Patrick Roy last week, but his team is undefeated as of this writing. You know what this means? Almost crushing an old bald guy with glass must be the new good luck charm.
NBA – KIND OF LIKE A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG
Carmelo Anthony said he’s still not over the Knicks playoff loss to the Pacers last year. He was so emotional, he almost had a sit-down interview with Oprah.
Derrick Rose is a little too confident going into this season. He’s been shut down for a while, and thinks he’ll change the way people think by talking a lot of smack. He’s basically a wannabe US government.
Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle is a fan of training camp hopeful Renaldo Balkman’s eyelid tattoos. This kind of body art answers a lot of questions, one being: what do professional athletes do with too much money and too much time on their hands?
Rodney Stuckey is out indefinitely after slamming his thumb in a car door and fracturing it. I think it’s the correct play – the car still had a foul to give.
NFL SHOWING A LITTLE TOO MUCH (PIG)SKIN
An Oakland Raiders fan was tased on a tarmac in England for stripping and threatening the pilot. His family has gone on record saying that, as horrific as this incident was, it pales in comparison to watching Matt Flynn play quarterback.
Honestly, I could make more jokes about the NFL, but the truth is I’m not a huge fan of watching football. I mean, if I wanted to see a bunch of sweaty dudes grab each other and run after loose balls, I’d go to a party at Richard Simmons’ house.
AND FINALLY …
Rory McIlroy was photographed hanging out with Bill Clinton and Bono this week. Eyewitnesses say McIlroy had trouble striking up a rapport with the former president – bad knees will do that.
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