It feels good to be back. Here’s what everybody is talking about from this past week in the world of sports:
WEEK 1 THRILLS AND SPILLS
It was a whirlwind first week of NFL action. Peyton Manning tied a league record, Buffalo nearly beat New England, and Rex Ryan lost $100,000 taking the Buccaneers over the Jets.
Seriously, you’ve got to hand it to Tampa Bay. It takes a lot of guts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Elsewhere in Week 1, the Giants committed six turnovers in their loss to the Cowboys. I haven’t seen so many giveaways since that Aaron Hernandez memorabilia sale.
Speaking of the Giants, some seats for this weekend’s “Manning Bowl” are valued at over $6,000. I mean, we’re talking prices that are higher than Eminem doing an ESPN interview.
Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for a low block against Vikings center John Sullivan. Suh’s agent says the fine is more excessive than Miguel Cabrera’s snack table in the Tigers dugout.
The saddest thing about the Lions is that their playoff chances are a lot like a male porn star’s career: they depend on keeping their star Johnson healthy.
PUCKERS UNITE!
NHL training camps start this week. Maple Leafs players are feeling pressure from their fans to get past the first round before having a Game 7 meltdown this year.
The Montreal Canadiens are exciting about the new-found grit that they added in the offseason. Team doctors are saying that George Parros’ mustache added 10 pounds of muscle during the offseason.
In Vancouver, John Tortorella says he will avoid making disparaging comments to local sports writers. Sources say he’s asking his defensemen to block any shots coming from his larynx.
Carolina defenseman Joni Pitkanen is out for the year with a broken bone in his foot. Experts have already downgraded the Hurricanes to a Category 1 storm.
Former Flyers goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has been given an invitation to the Panthers’ training camp. He’s still deciding, but some believe that he’ll accept reasoning that, in Florida, at least no one will be at the games to see him let in bad goals.
Some pundits are calling for the Chicago Blackhawks to change their team’s name because of its “racial insensitivity”. Maybe it’s just me, but the Chicago African-American Hawks sounds like a bit of a mouthful.
PLAY THERE AGAIN, SAM
The Toronto Blue Jays will play exhibition games in Montreal next summer. Shows you that the league is doing what it can to give a mediocre team back to former Expos fans.
In other baseball news, the Pittsburgh Pirates have clinched their first winning season in twenty years. It was so long ago, Roger Clemens says Andy Pettitte can’t even misremember that far back.
Seriously, the last time the Pirates made the playoffs, Barry Bonds wasn’t renting out his head as a Mardi Gras float yet.
The Yankees luxury tax bill is $29 million this year. After seeing this, Brian Cashman tried to dump some salary by trading Alex Rodriguez for Syria’s chemical weapons. al-Assad turned him down, saying A-Rod’s baggage was too much to consider.
AN AMERICAN ROMP TO HAVING TO DO WITH SYRIA
The United States has officially qualified for next year’s World Cup after beating Mexico 2-0 this week. Mexico is blaming the loss on an American-Mexican tradition – take pre-game takeout from Taco Bell.
In other soccer news, Russia’s controversial “anti-gay” laws have put their bid to host the 2018 World Cup in jeopardy. Sources say FIFA doesn’t want to host the tournament in a country where players are not free to take multiple balls to the face.
MAMBA ON THE MEND
Kobe Bryant is ahead of schedule recovering from his Achilles injury. You can tell he’s getting back to normal – this morning he refused to pass a toy ball to his kids.
AND FINALLY …
In minor Canadian sports news, a former defensive end from Quebec’s Bishop’s University is suing the school because his coach allegedly kept him in the game with a severe head injury. I think he’s overacting. I mean, it’s not impossible to perform if there’s something wrong with your head – just ask Miley Cyrus.
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