A Pint of NFL: Comparing the Seahawks and T.O. to That “Rocky Mountain” Beer
Far be it from me to act like a beer snob and shun the big brand beers that come in gigantic boxes complete with a free t-shirt or baseball cap. Just because I almost exclusively drink premium beer doesn’t mean I won’t drink the big labels, whether I particularly like them or not. Sometimes it’s out of convenience, and other times it’s out of necessity – today was one of the former. I’m not sure who was responsible, but apparently someone from my last get-together at my house left for me a silver bullet way at the back of the fridge. The mountains were blue, so at the very least today’s beer was going to be crisp.
We were all young once, and we all made off like bandits with our father’s beer. Did we care what he drank? Of course not. We drank it because it was new, made us older, and helped us to fit in. Call it a rite of passage. For my father, Coors Light was the go-to beer. Fine by me. I usually prefer to drink my beer out of a glass. Call it pretentious, that’s fine, it just feels better to me. Not wasting any time, perhaps because I wasn’t expecting too much, I poured my beer and took a big sip. Crisp, for certain, if not cold. Actually, it was refreshing. Maybe the incredibly humid day had something to do with it, or the yard work I did moments before. Nonetheless, my beer was palatable, and the little blue mountains assured me that my senses are working, that it was in fact cold enough to consume. I love marketers.
As I placed my glass down on the patio table, my phone buzzed. It was the kind folks at ESPN who took it upon themselves to send me an E-Mail alert that Terrell Owens was signed by the Seattle Seahawks. Such nice people. As a part-time Bills fan (Steelers fan on weekdays) T.O., who once had me popping corn on Sundays, is still making news for the frills and thrills he professes to have left in the tank – not unlike my cold, yet getting slightly warmer in the sun, Coors Light. Better pick up the pace a bit. Cold Coors Light is one thing, and warm Coors Light is, well, piss.
One look at my “Widemouth” Coors Light bottle sitting beside my glass, and the picture of the “Wider-mouth” Terrell Owens picture on my Samsung, and I had my “A Pint of NFL” comparison.
Are we to believe there is much left in the tank? Is it all marketing, or is their substance to back up the hype? I’m talking about both the beer and the player, of course.
The Seattle Seahawks have announced they have signed the 38-year old receiver to a one-year contract, and NFL.com is pleased to report to me that, “At long last, Terrell Owens is back in the NFL“. Finally, I can sleep again. Thanks, NFL. Now, let’s get to Owens and what he can offer Seattle.
Message boards are alight with fans telling me that he ran a 4.45 second 40-yard dash during an impressive workout. I bet Usain Bolt can run about that, give or take, but doesn’t mean he can catch a football against NFL calibre corners. Okay, stupid example. It’s the Coors I tell ya! Which, by the way, is indeed very light both in colour and given the 4% alcohol content. What would you expect Seattle to say? He had an “okay” workout, was a little slow, but caught a few passes in the open? Pshaw.
In all fairness, he is only a couple of seasons removed from a decent campaign with the Bengals (almost 1000 yards, 9 TD’s), which was a sideshow act in itself given that #85 was there as well (I can’t keep track of his name any longer – Chad “Something”). Let’s be clear, Seattle is in a whole lot of trouble. Granted, Braylon Edwards is a decent enough signing for them despite his baggage, and with Antonio Bryant cut there is another hole that needs to be filled. But, Seattle, must it be filled by T.O.?
Here you go MENSA:
Terrell Owens is to Seattle as ______ is to Coors Light?
Answer: the aforementioned t-shirts, blue/grey rocky mountains, and baseball caps
Having poured my beer into a glass, I have foregone the assistance of the rocky mountain label to tell me if my beer is cold. Should I venture into the unknown and take a swig regardless? Wish me luck. Okay, getting a bit warm, but the barley taste is still there at least. I live on the edge.
I mentioned earlier that Seattle is a wounded animal right now, and the receiver position is certainly amongst its most troublesome areas. Who do they have that will draw attention? Rice is okay I suppose, but hasn’t put up top numbers in a few years. Edwards is a wild card for Pete Carroll, and Obomanu, Tate, Durham, Butler and Lockette will hardly scare anyone. I guess my point is that if you acknowledge you need help at receiver, I’m cool with giving T.O. a shot, but he can’t become your #1 or #2 target for Jackson or Flynn, can he? If you recognize how weak you are at that position, why is it just being addressed in August? I would have thought February through July, six months, would have been sufficient for coming up with some game plan.
Other teams have tried to get Owens on a bargain with the hopes of selling tickets and finding that star receiver that dominated for years. As I finish my Coors Light I can’t help but to think Seattle is falling into the trap of marketing first, football second. My beer wasn’t spectacular, but the Browns shirt that was inside my buddy’s 24-pack of beer apparently was (to him – I hate the Browns). So, you see, marketing is marketing, whether for a 38-year old football player who is past his prime, or an age-old beer that my father has been stocking for centuries, give or take. It’s not what’s on the outside that counts – it’s how many touchdowns you catch.
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